Wednesday, 21 June 2017

So fucking stressed!

I'm stressed out, as the title states... and I mean it. Which is not good for my illness at all. Why me? Why do I always have to have the bad shitty luck?! Why is there no happiness? Why is there no relief for me? There just isn't. At all. And it hurts me. I'm sure that some force out there actyually wants me to kill myself, to die. I'll be honest that I've prayed, angels, god, and I have asked for help. Any help. But it seems it isn't supposed to be. I'm not allowed anything good and it pisses me off... why me? Why fucking me?
  I'm going to struggle financially for a while me. And that sucks doesn't it. What if I ask for disability? PIP? My illness, it doesn't seem to be progressed enough I bet, I will struggle. I will have to just get a job. Push myself. Who the fuck cares that it'll probably kill me?! Clearly nobody. Clearly not me. Life, it doesn't seem to want me to live. Such a sad thought people would think... but it is totally true. What do I have to live for? Nothing. Nobody. I have nobody in my life, no mates (which has shown big lately without having Facebook). I have no family. Except my mum, I guess, even she won't want me soon with not being able to give her money... and guys, guys don't really want me. That is a true, brutal, unfair fact.
  I have had two real relationships, one emotionally abusive, both cheated, just totally fucked with my mind. What is love? I'll be doomed if I EVER let myself love again me. It won't happen anyway. Not with my shitty bad awful fucking luck. People always tell me to appreciate what you have... but I can't I only really have my mum. Yeah. I appreciate that, 100%. But it sucks. I feel so alone, so fucking lost, and my illness, fuck me, why me?
  I went for a walk today... my legs are burning me. Like they hurt so much. I think i walked too much... how am I meant to work? How am I meant to push myself? It's gonna be so fucking hard. But if my sales carry on the way they are? I'm going to have too... who cares anyway, I'll never eat as I never get hungry when I overdo myself... so yeah, won't get hungry, lose weight. Maybe that's a good sign. In fact it is. I'm a chunk me. And I hate it. But I like food.
  I'm sat here crying. Because I know if I push myself to work, I will more than likely push myself to the point of needing a wheelchair, and that sucks, in fact even know it feels like I'll be in a wheelchair, my legs. They burn. They hurt. And that's just from walking!
  My shin is hurting again, from when I got an infected, the wound healed but I read something online that you can still be infected under the skin? Maybe I am. Maybe that is the way i'll die. Fuck knows. All I know is that the world, life, it just wants me gone... every bad luck- I have it. Name it, I fuckong have it!
  The Findom stuff, the Clips stuff, I was doing well, but I'm stressed now, not having Facebook, no longer got my popularity online as much, I mean sure I have Twitter, sure I have Instagram... but it just was never the same as Facebook popularity.
  It pisses me off Facebook, every time I sign up, I get super popular... then they suddenly remove me. They didn't answer any of my appeals today. Stating they can't tell me why but I can't have my account back... fuck you Facebook! Basically more than likely stating I'm fake, and that I'm posting content that isn't mine... that is what they were stating. I just want my account back, it's totally unfair being removed for no real reason. Just like, WTF.
  I mean I have myself a few slaves who pay me regular, and gift me, but not always, not always much either, it's very up and down. Unless you're super popular, like I was on Facebook... with Twitter and Instagram, it isn't enough. It really isn't. I hope to get my account back with Facebook, I would love to be able take legal action against them or something because of them wrongly removing me. You know something else? I have had nobody to talk too... not many people have my number, I don't have their numbers either... what am i meant too? This is just the lowest of the low for me... I won't have any life till I am able to get my account back or rejoin. It's silly right? How people have no lives without Social Media... but it is totally fucking true. Not been speaking to many people, and it fucking sucks.
  It might be silly all my stressing but I don't know. I'm always stressed. Always. I'm always overthinking. I'm always crying... life hates me.
  Do you believe in past lives? I do. And I swear, i must have been someone really bad to get this amount of shit. I mean I have vented alot of my shit, but not everything... there are some things that are screaming to come out of me... but I just can't do it you know?! Bullshit. Life is bullshit. I don't know how I have stayed strong this long being alone and lonely as I am... but I have, I mean, I'm still fucking here when I don't want to be, and when the world clearly doesn't me to be either! I mean that statement is totally clear to me... why would I get so much shit dealt to me if not? I start thinking 'oh maybe this won't be so bad, maybe I'll be okay...' and then BOOM something happens, something happens that makes me not want to hope anymore.
  In fact. I don't hope anymore. I am a realist. Things won't happen, they won't. Where is my happy ending? It won't exist, aingle for life, no friends to support me, no family, and a shitty illness getting the best of me! And it is. It is getting the best of me.
  People don't understand my illness- nobody- not even me, I can be great then boom! No longer! Like I said... I went walking earlier and I am sat here writing this blog in tears, half beause I am so stressed, so upset at life being bullshit... and also because I'm in pain. So much pain. Normally the pain I can ignore, but not right now. My legs are burning, my arms a tiny bit too... but the worst part is 100% that shin pain from the cut that's healed on the outside but not on the inside...
  I could do with some luck me. I honestly fucking could. I want to be happy. I'm stopping my 'consumed by the past' well, trying to anyway... but its just now, everything still turns to shit, and I mwan everything. My CFS/ME, it's bullshit. I need to work, I want to work, but it limits me. But it seems the world really is against me you know. Not even joking. Get a good day, feel fine then it hits me that I'm not fine, my body is not normal, but I can't claim because it isn't severe enough. Maybe I should work, make it increase getting worse faster than steadily... maybe I'll get help... but then I won't have no reason to live. Who would want to live life stuck in bed because you're too weak to move, because you feel like you're being stabbed over and over and over. God, I'm crying again, and blah! My luck in life is non existant- it all just gets worse, I just get stressed out. I ask the universe, whatever for certain signs, and I sort of get them... but at the same time, I don't.
  I think I'm not meant to be here tbh. WHy would I? I supposedly bring nothing to this world, I wouldn't be missed, that is a super fact.

  I just want bad things stop happening. I want to stop crying. I want to stop being sad. I want something good for once. A reason to want to live. Not this impending doom on my mind daily. Waking up and every second wanting to due. I feel okay in dreams... mostly. Until I dream of the past, and all those that hurt me, and places I seemed a little happier... I want to be okay.

  Funny how this blog post stemmed from being super stressed out about Facebook wrongly removing me, and being upset and stressed at not beung able to get in touch with anyone or even like being able to set up a new account... then I start crying and everything on my mind pools out on to this blog... god, I need to start writing my book again.... soon, I think so. But I want Facebook back me. Honestly so lost. Sad, sad world we're in to be completely utterly lost with a stupid website that keeps removing me everytime I am popular because some jealous cunt or rejected nobody reported me. Fuck sake. Angry now. Again.
  I hope my clips sales and my Findom side picks up again... just so hard amount of timewasters who get in touch with no intention of paying... and the amount of Dommes around nowadays. I get abit, but I will admit, it's a hard game when you don't have like 10k+ followers on Twitter. I have just over 3k and it was hard to even get that amount!

  I don't know what else to do. As far as I'm concerned someone or something in this universe wants me to die as much as I myself want to be gone... I have given up hope, but there seems to be a tiny sliver of hope. I don't jnow why. But there is. But I have the feeling... if someone, something, anything hurts me too much again, I believe I will not be here any longer. My life is not worth living. Not when I have nobody. Not when I have nothing. Not when I have an illness that limits my life and does not allow me to live, to work, how would I survive without money? I wouldn't.
  Random thought... how ugly are freckles. I hate them me. Trying to rid them with whitening cream, oh and avoiding the sun, not like I have nowhere to go or anyone to see anyway do I! Blah shin is aching like crazy... can't take no pills though, I'll be accidently addicted yet again, and fuck me that is a killer! Had a migraine yesterday, brutal, but kinda lost it anf kinda still took me till 1am to bloody sleep. Sleep is another thing, insomnia is a symptom and I have that crazy. Add my stress, so much worse for me!
  I envy people. I'm jealous of people. People who are happy, healthy... you just don't know how fuckong good you have it. I always get told 'it'll get better...' when? It does not seem it. It just really gets worse. Every second I am awake, my mind is in overdrive, my body hurts, just so much.
  I want a drama free life. I want a happy life. i want Social Media and not being bloody removed because of jealousy or/and rejection. I want friends, real friends, I want a guy who wants me, and money.
  So much I'm asking. So much that won't happen... because as the saying goes 'the world is against me'. And truthfully? I think it is. Like I said. It keeps trying to push me towards the end... but I'm fighting, I'm fighting, but I don't know how much longer I can do that for. I want to be normal, normal in the mind, normal in the body... just normal. Normal and happy.

  Please can I have happiness for once and the things I ask for?!

  Oh and I really want Facebook back... I'm lost without it... truly. What else is there to do when you're sat around unable to do much?! Blah.

Fuck life. Fuck people. Fuck everything.

Monday, 19 June 2017

Going Crazy me...

  So. I doubt any fucker will even read my blog now... I mean without Facebook nothing seems to happen... no clip sales, no conversations, boredom, endless fucking boredom. It's crazy how much Facebook consumed my life I guess... but in all fairness, I want it back...
  But what am I to do? Facebook has no actual real contact email, or number... like seriously what the fuck am I to do?! It doesn't even look like they have been online since they removed me by looking at their Twitter... it's super unfair and I haven't even done shit wrong. Yet again they are claiming I am fake... I've sent my IDs in but no fucking reply! Even tried to set up a new one and straight up removed me after a second! Fucking bullshit.
  Facebook... your staff are mean and idiots haha. Hire me, I'll do a brilliant job. I do hope to get my account back, I just have to fucking wait it seems. Snd I will. Maybe another week. Then I'll figure something out... some way how to get Facebook again. I'm getting lonely as fuck without it, lonelier than before!
  Why? Because no fucker has messaged me. Just a guy I've been speaking too but like, this guy, he clearly isn't interested the way I am... spoken for a while yet won't meet me when he lives nearby?! Kind of bullshit is that?! I tried to date too... but I can't find someone who stays interested in me, it drives me fucking crazy!
  Oh and like Facebook... I am also not allowed to sign up to POF either. How fucking ridiculous! There are fake profiles for me on that site... but yeah, I'm not allowed to stay when I am real, and would totally send my ID for proof.
  No friend has messaged me, not really. Like. It sucks that these days Social Media rules everything these days... I miss the days when you would just go out and chill and nobody was consumer by their phones. I especially miss being a kid, well, teen... playing manhunt, I especially miss that game! I miss the tight community I was in... people from like 6-18 (huge range I know), all grouping together to play these games... I mean I still got bullied in High School... but I lived for getting home and seeing everyone and out and about. Nothing like today... kids stuck in, or out glued to a screen... utter bullshit.
  I wish Social Media had never existed. Bebo was fun, no obsessing, and it's gone now, the rest of Social Media should go, people need to get back out there! But let's be serious... that is never gonna happen. So I am seriously hoping Facebook gives me back my account soon! Going so crazy without it. Nobody to message! Blah!

  My Clip Sales are rubbish without Facebook too! I'm doing no harm advertising... there is never a link, no photos on Facebook, I get the feeling Facebook just hates me being popular.... I really do hope that my account comes back. And if someone from Facebook reads this? I'm begging you to reopen my account! Haha. Going crazy with being even more alone and lonely than usual...

  Oh and another note, I am hating the hot weather too... my illness... can't regulate my body temperature... so my body is heating up super fast, so i have my fan on, and then I turn it off, but doesn't last long as I heat up super fast!
  Oh, and I'm going crazy with fuck all to do at all, nobody wants to fucking see me and make plans! And there are currently no new programmes to my shows... they always seem to end for Summer. Pisses me off. But at least i will probably rewatch all the DVD boxsets that I have got... what else is there too do when you are so completely alone?!?!
  I'm pretty sure Bella is pregnant too. I'm scared because she is still so tiny and a baby herself still. But I hope she'll be okay. I'm praying she will be. I have actualy turned to teying to pray, I want to be happy etc. I'm trying to be okay. I'm trying. That's all I can do!
  I want to let go of the pain, unhappiness, the hate, the anger... all of it. I want to forget all the bad. And the bad people who have hurt me, I deserve to be happy. So why can't I just have happiness? Money, healthy cats, my health better, good friends, an actual decent bloke in my life who wants me and I equally want myself, and my bloody Social Media back and not keep deleting me!
  If you're reading this and you're into Financial Domination, or you simply just want some clips etc...? Then go buy some clips (iwantclips & search Abbyy36). Or sign up to my Only Fans, something new. But you'll love it, hot content! ( Or if you just want to buy me something off my wishlist you may ( search that.. or send a GC to it). Circlepay is another brilliant way, better than paypal ( I had to take that chance to advertise my shit... because like I said... without Facebook. Not getting shit! Super annoying.
  My illness seems to have calmed itself lately... still in super pain, tiredness, usual bullshit... but you know. Better than being unable to walk like last week, my hip and knee both went. Couldn't walk. Utter bullshit. My illness is so fucking wank. I miss working! It's a fucking boring life without work haha. Even if I don't need the money!
  People who read my blog they say they love my honesty... and I have to say I'm glad I have somehow helped you, or you've enjoyed reading my muddled mind... it means something if you read my post and actually read it fully! I just have to hve a way to vent which is why I started my blog. No bullshit. No lies. Just me, my mind and my brutal honesty!
  You know what annoys me. The sexism too, I keep being told I deserve nobody for what I do, what I post. But likw why the fuck should I listen to those that say that?! Why should I fake myself? Pretend to be somebody I am not?! The simple answer is no, I won't do that. If someone does not like me for me, my flaws, my perfection, everything, then why would I ever want that person a chance? I deserve to be myself and for others to love me like I am happy with myself...
  On my dark thought days, I just so hate my life. I mean. It does not work out for me does it?! No decent friends. No family really. Forever being fucked around by males. My shitty illness that gets worse. Money problems. Just continuously no luck!
  I have my left leg completed! Just thought I'd fit that in there. If you have my other Social Media you would have obviously seen a photo (abbyylewis36; instagram & twitter). But yeah my flame leg is finally done. And now I am working on my right... which is why my sales need to bloody increase! I have a couple tattoos I'm gonna get on the front, and then I'll start filling my front, then have to wait till NOVEMBER for my portraits! I am so excited for those. Just dreading the amount of pain I will actually be in... but I hope more money is sent, my sales, my subscriptions to my onlyfans, they all need to happen so I can finish my leg, after that? My back. But I also want to travel, of course it won't be for too long... I can't leave my cats, they're my babies, but yeah, America... the city I wish I lived in... that needs to be visited, I will also be travelling alone, but I have always been alone! Oh and i have to have money for Newcastle for my Birthday again! Dilemmas! I need to be more rich! Ha. Totally wish I was.

  I'm gomna leave this venting here now, probably post soon, such a busy, mixed, fucked up mind mine is really... I hope my health stays okayish, my cats are healthy, I become happy, and the money continues to come so I do not struggle to make ends meet before I started doing what I do...
thanks for reading.

Tuesday, 13 June 2017

I want to be normal, or should I not exist...

  like. I hate to be depressive and depressed but the matter is, that I am. People always tell me I shouldn't be... why not? You try being rejected by not one but EVERY person who walks into your life. Good to use when nobody else is around... but then fucked off and fucked over. Like, shit are none of you males decent? Doesn't seem like it. It pisses me off. I'm that much pissed off with it I could honestly go on a killing spree on males before doing myself in.
  Of course I wouldn't do that... but fuck me. Males deserve it. They're horrible. And wonder why us chicks are fucked up? You are the reason you horrible beings. Man should never have been created. Just women. And even then women are also awful too!
  Life isn't fair ro me it really fucking isn't.

  I just want to be happy and have someone. But noooo life wants me to hate life and be single forever. I really don't think I will be here another year... I have nothing, nobody. And yet all the cunts who don't deserve happiness are!
  Should I start doing something super bad so I end up happy?! Contemplating it tbh. I mean why not? Everyone else is a cunt yet get everything they want, and even, don't want! I want someone. But I will never get anyone.
  Guys are evil.

  I won't be here much longer if I can't find someone... I promise you that.

  Loneliness and being completely alone is a killer... slowly killing me off. I can't face life anymore.

Monday, 12 June 2017

A decline in health... I think so.

  It's a very frustrating illness that I have. Honestly. It's super hard to live with and it's probably only just going to get worse. I think it'll get better, and it never really does. People around me always claim my illness is fake... hey you try live with what i live with and say it's fake. Say it isn't real. Say you can cope.
  I even stopped full time work to try and not decline. But it just didn't happen. It's still declining. Slowly. But it's happening. Not working full time is boring as hell, but I really do know if I was it'd be fast... the decline I mean. Used to literally work and get home, barely eat and sleep to the next day,  getting more and more colds, tonsillitus, losing my voice yet still having to answer phones even though they could not hear me. And it's not even like it was a hard job... it was an office job. If an office job can have Me decline... fuck knows what else may had happened.
  I think though even part time is starting to hurt me. I can't live without hurting and it does my head in. Why me? Like seriously, why the fuck do I get all this stupid bullshit happen to me? Always been fucked over and life is super unfair.
  I hate not being able to do normal things without being hurt. Or whatever. Like let me live please. Any wonder why I hate living?! Jeez! Today my right hip and knee are really sore, I felt it coming on last night when I was walking... but I drank to numb and pretty soon the pain was over! But then, waking up I felt it again. Can't really walk. Had to literally stay lay here all day!
  I honestly wish this illness did not exist. It totally fucks you over. And since there is no real help, no real medication, nothing it just makes it so much harder to live with. I hate it. Nobody wants me as it is.... who the fuck is gonna want me when i get even worse?! Nobody will want me being disabled. Pretty much.
  I enjoy my bar job... and I dread the day i can't work no more, my body will probably jist give up on me one day, even if I do live in a town full of cunts who I dislike. Only downfall to thw job... when the fake people come in acting like your best mate! Like, shit, fuck off pets. Grow up.
  I also enjoy doing the other stuff, people say I should be ashamed etc... what do I say? I don't give a fuck what you think and I never will. I make good money... when the sales are good and there aren't anyone wasting my bloody time... it's very... up and down. Lately it's been shit but I hope it picks up again. I need more ink, I even want to see if I can travel, if my illness allows me, because I will be travelling alone... it's what a loner does. You be alone. Always! Ballache. Bullshit. But humans are nasty things. Humanity has fucked life up! But back on point to the beginning of this paragraph... no I really am not ashamed. Never. I have every right to get disability... but because my illness is so fucking complicated, it's hard work. And tbh I don't want to rely on the government, not until I have too! Money's money. You need it to survive, that is a simple fact!
  People always say they will support you, help you, but that is bullshit. Not one person takes into consideration my illness... well unless you count randoms online. But I am referring to friends, guys who supposedly want to know me yet don't look into what I have to fucking deal with every fucking day!
  I prefer animals. Mainly cats. I mean I have 6 cats... what's not to love? They make me happy. Just breaks me if they die. I'm stressing myself lately too. Which I will not say why but it is about my cats... why does loving an animal have to cost? Imagine a world free to be free, nothing costs, peace... oh the thoughts on how it could be so much better. But everything is money. Blah!
  I'm hoping this knee and hip pain doesn't last for too long. I can hack my daily pain... mostly... but this bullshit is on another fucking level. Someone wanna go find a fucking cure. Something to help. I'm defo never having kids. It'd be selfish. I could pass this on! It's a good job I don't actually want them. I would settle for cats. Thwy are my babies. They are a handful as it is.
  People ask me why I blog... I will answer you. I want to vent. I have so many random dotty thoughts. And I just wanna vent. But I can't vent to people personally, why would I burden them honestly? At least this way people are choosing whether they want to read about my broken fucked up head or not.,. Brutal.
  I'm broken. But I will also always be myself. Like honestly I am done caring what people think. And in fact even caring about people in general! Too many nasty cunts. Like, bitches. Step up. Be fuckong nice for once. Apologise when you are wrong. Help when you are needed. Be there when you are wanted. But it will not happen. Sadly. Humanity has fucking fucked up with all this social media bullshit and if you don't post it online...'it never fucking happen. Grim. Hurtful.
  I try to be nice me. But honestly don't know why I bother. I help mates out. Get fuck all in return. I message if I see someone to be upset. Me? I just get fucking ignored for a fuckboy or a fuckgirl... like fuck you all! I try to warn females about cunt lads and they fall for their charms... then cry about it when he fucks them off. Like fuck, I warned you. I had been there.
  North West males in England are all fuckboys. I mean sorry, but you are! You all gotta have about 8272892 chicks, one is never enough. Never. I have seen so many males cheat. Even using me when I didn't know. IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY FUCKING LEAVE DO NOT CHEAT YOU UNGRATEFUL SPITEFUL CUNTS. It angers me. I recently tried to tell some chick her fella had cheated on her with me and someone else... but I got blocked, and he blocked me so she never saw it. And they are getting Married in fucking September. She is going to regret it. I have known him since school, he has cheated on EVERY FEMALE he has been with. If you are reading this and want to help me out and getting her to know? Message me. Because if I was about to ruin my life I would want to know. But yeah, males, I stopped bothering really. I dunno. You're nice to talk to and chill with... till you get sex. Then you turn into absolute bellends, even when I make you wait for a while! What is that?! I know I am supposedly good looking but I do not deserve to be fucked around by everyone!
  Tbh no decent people near me. Well a handful. But I still never trust anyone. Not even mysef with this fucked up brain of mine with a shitty illness that seems to hate me and wants me to never be happy and enjoy life.
  Going to stop these random thoughts now- but yeah CFS sucks. Especially with this getting worse. I wish to be illness free, normal, busy working. But life doesn't like me! Thanks for reading anyhow. Stay tuned for my next vent post :')!

Friday, 9 June 2017

I'm fed up of being forgotten.

  The title says it all really... I am fed up of being forgotten. It's heartbreaking. It hurts. I'm fed up of it... loke it isn't even a joke. Everyone leaves, I'm forgotten, they're happy, and my head is fucking fucked up that I can't forget. I'm just going in endless cycles of hating myself.
  Both exes forgot me. The ex best mate who I fell for forgot me. Every old mate forgot me. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone forgets me.
  Why is it that all these people who fucked with me and my head are allowed to be happy... but me? I'm not allowed to be happy. Just endlesss fuckery with my head! They are the ones who deserve to have the unhappiness that I have. Not me. I deserve to be happy. I deserve happiness. Just for once. Let it happen. Let it stay. I am fed up of crying daily. I am fed up fo being hurt by everyone!

  It seems I'm not good enough. Every guy I give a chance too ends up proving me right. They fuck me around too. It's like... are there no decent people anymore?! It does not seem to be so not for me. I think I am destined to just be hurt over and over and over again. No relief. No happiness. No pain free mind. No uncomplicated thoughts. It's a ballache man!

  I don't really have mates either. They all leave too. They stay for abit then they get their happy ending then boom... bye bye Abby. You're not even real. You never existed. You just helped me out when i was bored but now I have my happy ending you don't fit into it!
  And that is honestly the truth. No mates talk to me or reach out to me. I have to message first. I have to pester for a reply. I'm just done. Done with people. With life.

  I need to face facts. My happy ending isn't gonna happen. Everyone forgets me. I want to just forget myself at this rate.

Wednesday, 7 June 2017

Numb thinking is when I feel the best

  I haven't blooged for a while, sorry! But if you have me on Social Media you will have seen my mind has been it's usual useless dark place.
  But today, I dunno, I still am, but my thoughts are more numb, I think it's because I'm super trained, more drained. Because on top of my illness I'm ill! It's only a cold... but fuck me it's brutal for me with my illness. I mean I was just getting rid of my last one after like a month, then my family go and give me another cold! Here's to another month of agony! Bravo!!
  I hate living how I have to live. I can't go out without making myself get more symptoms to my illness and feeling more ill. Yeah, honestly isn't fair life. I swear I must have been cursed or something. Was a murdered or something in a past life... because I never get anything good, yet people who should not be happy, end up being happy.
  This is a random thought... wouldn't be nice if past lives do exist, wel actually I believe they do exist... but wouldn't it be kinda fun if you remembered all your past lives, basically be able to live on. Or you know vampires where real. I don't know. I can't believe once you die that's it... but at the same time I think it is. It's a complicated mind my thoughts. I confuse myself.
  I'm scared to die which is one of the main reasons I still fight! I mean I don't even know why, surely it's better than this daily fucking struggle... but na fuck knows. I think it's the whole 'not existing' after you die, you just die and that's it. I have no reason to live, but I'm scared to leave, that is just brutal...
  What makes me happy? I get asked this quite alot... I don't fully know anymore! I would love to have friends who care (they ignore me, I have to pester for a reply, I get fucked off for fuckboys). And well I truly believe I am single for life... guys mess me over, fuck with my head, play around with multiple guys. That kind of bullshit. Games at 24 years old though... could you be fucked?! I hate to be superficial... but I am now. Money and gifts. They make me happy! Along with cats!
  Which brings me to the Findom and Clips part... will you bloody stop wasting time and get those sales up?! Hahaha. Make me happy :P ;)!

  I am trying. I am still here. With these brutal dark thoughts. That has got to mean somethjng?! Even if right now I will never find someone, or every get decent mates, fuck knows. All of it. Why am I here?! I don't know.
  If my thoughts confuse you.., think how I feel. Jumbled head fucked, and I just don't know anymore. My life just seems to be getting worse... I don't know what happiness is. It also stresses me that I have loved, but never been loved... the people I fell for forgot me and moved on right away, just proves that they never loved me. They hate me.
  I will always be myself though. I can't do being fake me. I think I was years ago, but now I just don't care, I have spent my whole alone and being bullied. Through High School I had no try mates... and I still don't. I was bullied... but not no more, I don't let them get to me. Laughable. Irrelevamt people who talk shit about me behind a screen... but if I see them? They just stare from afar... like, shit, why the actual fuck would you just stand there and stare at someone who blocked you, get over it. Move on. Irrelevant people like I said! Idiots.
  My CFS/ME frustrates me! Always in pain. Always tired. And more and more symptoms lately! It's annoying that it's getting worse. I do not think I would cope if my case went severe, I barely vope as it is and I am only mind! I miss being able to work out too much without crashing. And stressful because I want to train weights... but know I won't be able too... I already struggle work out. When people say they have what I have because they are tired, jokes. Wankers. I wish that was just the case. Not this endless pain and terror and tiredness and so much more bullshit. Like I was just getting rid of a cold... just to have another come out! Like, no fun, stressful. It gets super annoying when people give me shit about my illness because it isn't well known, not even to doctors... 'oh you're lying' 'there is nothing up woth you' or just simply acting like you want to be in my life but you don't look it up. So when i am too drained to bother replying or make convo they have a go, or I cam't get out because the energy is super bad.
  If you are to be in my life, read up on my illness. Be patient. Fucking understand or fuck off.

  Thanks for reading. If you really did. Jumbled thoughts...

Wednesday, 24 May 2017

Been a while. Time for an update.

Well hey there.
I guess you're reading this. I hope you read it all... I mean my posts tend to be long. Sometimes. And I dunno it's my way of Venting... I hate venting to people. I mean, my problems are mine, I'm already a burden because of my illnesses... I don't wanna be more of a burden.
  As we all know, my mind is so fucking complicated. Complicated endlessly. Stupid thoughts. Brutal thoughts. Ever since they changed my pills, I've been worse, but then about 2/3 weeks ago, I became numb! Like super numb. Fucking loved it. But then I crashed. I crashed Monday. I've still crashed but a little better. I'm not sleeping again at night, making everything worse. CFS is bad, depression was bad. Is bad. But hey. I am not ashamed to admit.
  I am a fighter. No matter how much I hate life. No matter how much it gets me down. And how much i want to go... the fact is, I'm still here aren't I? That says it all say's that I am in fact strong. Staying here when I have no reason to stay, that's a big thing. I know that I'm awul for having these bad thoughts. And I'm sorry. But I can't help it.
  I am alone. I am lonely. And that for me seems to be a big factor. But there is still other factors too that have made me be this way. Made me a little down. Made me in a bad place. If I could I would just love to forget my whole life, start again. Not remember the pain, the heartache. I would also love a cure for my illness.
  My illness is hard. But I always have people telling me there is nothing wrong because I look alright. Because I am still working. Etc, etc. But what people don't know? I sleep more, I eat a little less, I only work part-time too. My illness frustrates me so fucking much. Like, I can't do much without exhausting myself, I have to nap to be able to do things. The pain can be so fucking brutal, not even joking. Sometimes I have to lie down doing my makeup so my arms are supported, or find them something to lean on, so you know, I can actually do my makeup. The pain is annoying. Constant. No proper relief! The tiredness too, no relief, no matter how much i sleep, or don't. My speech can be difficult, I feel embarrassed about that the most me. I mean. It's fucking embarrassing to be speaking and your words slur or come out in the incorrect order. Making me sound drunk, but instead I just have a useless illness! Getting more and more symptoms too. Some days more severe. Some days not so bad. Like, why is thtere no help? No cure? It really fucking needs it. Annoys me when people say it isn't real because they don't understand, or they don't know. Or when people become impatient with me because I can't think right for a conversation, or I'm too exhausted to even hold a conversation. If you're in my life. You need to be patient, understanding. I don't need people in my life who will give me abuse because I'm too tired and crashing so bad to do anything. My concentration goes so much lately. Like normally read and watch stuff at the same time... but it's been hard to do so. Have to do one or of the other nowaday. Frustrating. Like right now, was watching something, concentration gone, head is hurting, bye bye TV! I get getting dizzy spells me lately super bad, and my fast heartbeat I keep feeling going, boom boom, it's bad when I take cocdomol. Kinda lose my breath, the pills wanna slow me, the heartbeat wants to keep going fast... it is like my heart is fluttering.
  I'm wondering whether to take cocodomol. But I don't wanna risk it. I took 4 last night. Two strong ones, two if the weakest. Then my anti depressants... maybe too many but it knocked me out, and I haven't been sleeping well. Something is wrong, something I can'r hit on something.
  My thoughts are always so jumbled, constantly fighting myself me you know... like, shit. Fuck this. And after everything going on in England, I hate myself for not wanting to be here when people are dying, I'm a fucking nasty person. I must be. That's probably why I'm not allowed to be happy. Because everytime I try, blah. Fucks up. I just want to be happy!
  As I said before the hardest part is being alone and lonely. But I don't get why. It's always been this way. Depression started when I was about 11, never being accepted, friendless, being bullied to the point of crying in front of everyone, making the bullies just laugh at me harder. Never really kissed anyone, just a couole of guys, but even then they didn't want me. I was good, I only had sex 16 onwards... but then was a downfall of bad things. Some I can't say. I just can't. There's so much I vent. But there are still some things I can't let anyone know about... I just can't.
  The loneliness and being alone thing would not be so bad if I had money, being rich, I hate to say I'm materialistic, but I am these days. It's why I'm glad for the clips for making me money, and then the Findom stuff, well, when that even works. Because it's hard work with so many people trying to get into it and then alot of people who are 'timewasters'. You only have comstant Findom when you're highly popular. Before you ask, yes I like what I do. If I didn't I wouldn't do it, don't you think? I've been doing it now for almost two years. It's not easy most of the time. And you have to be patient... which alot of the time I actually aint so it frustrates me! Ha.
  I'm thankful that even though I am lonely and alone, I still have sort of friends. I'd say a few real ones, not many though. Most people are online friends. I mean, I love you all, but it hurts. Hurts that everything has to be on a screen, not many outings these day, like shit. What happened to getting out the house to talk? Technology should disappear. I miss a world without Social Media. In fact I miss being younger. I just wanna be a kid and play manhunt. Evern though I've been alone all my life and bullied, i lived on a street where every child would get together every day pretty much. Get out and do thinks. And since a phone was only good to play snake... people weren't absorbed by technolgoy.
  Know what annoys me the most? I bet you know if you read my posts?! You got it... MALES. No matter what anyone tries to say to me at this part... I have never in my fucking life met a decent fucking male. They legit act like boys, only thing they are arsed about it getting their dick wet... even if they are fucking a pie because a chick don't want them! Every time I talk to a guy 8 times out of 10 they switch the convo to sex, sending dick pics... and it's like please stop. I want a conversation. AM I not good enought to talk too?
  Which brings me to sexist cunts. People are so against a strong woman like me showing skin... women should wear burkas, even us English. And it's like what the fuck? Males don't get stick about stuff... neiter should males. But you should all know by now, comments stopped offending me. I find it funny how people tey and abuse and bully... yet don't have a fucking clue about me. Get away. Join my blocklist. No drama. But always end up attracting drama! Fuck sake.
  The thing is I'm materialistic. That keeps me happy, occupied. I mean I would love to meet a guy, to actually be loved, not just the one who loves, because something in my mind just knows I wasn't loved. I don't know. I mean I am head fucked aint I, anyway?! I would love friends who support me, help me, get me out, and I have a few who do so. I'm thankful. But yeah I still get lonely. Nobody really wants me. Yet everyone else is loved up and I'm here with a giant appetited and 6 cats to try and make me feel less alone. ANd it does sort of work... though I am going crazy. Full blown conversations with myself and my cats...
  The guy thing... I don't think I will find anyone. Fact is. I am lonely, alone, but I still aint desperate, I can't just settle, why? Because I'll still feel lonely regardless. I need passion, fire, etc. I'm an opinionated person who will not let anyone hurt me again. My type as you all know is mainly Muscle Men. Maybe that's where I go wrong? No. Because I have been for none muscle guys, and they were boys too. Only difference, muscle guys look like men. Which is probably my attraction! Haha. Guys play games anyway. 'Oh I want you' he says to me and 9372838 others... they always get caught. I'm like a detective. I should have that job.
  Oh yeah that brings me bacj to my illness and work.,, I fucking miss working full time! But I know I can't because even 2/3 nights a week can tend to kill me off, silly fucking illness can you go please? I'd love be back at work proper. I mean, I love money, and well won't be in my own head for long will I?!

Anyhow. I need to sleep. Well try since these days sleep doesn't want to happen... thankyou for reading. If you read it all. I'm just a complicated mind.