Saturday, 13 January 2018

I’m not Ashamed.

  I know my posts all follow the same sort of theme, venting about trying to cope with my mental fight depression, my illness, stress, loneliness, alome... but in all honesty I’m not ashamed. I’m not even ashamed by the clips/findom world... if I did don’t you think I would stop guys? Remove it all? Exactly. It doesn’t bother me. And if it bothers others, that is THEIR problem, not mine...see a little bit of positivity there... not always doom and gloom. Well. I try. But my blog is for me. I may share it etc, but it’s for me to vent and I dunno let loose since I have nobody.
  I’ve been single now for three years and three months, and by god am i ready to let someone in. But my god am I also so fucking scared because all I’ve known are players, cheats, all I see are players and cheats. And my god. I just want someone who only wants me. Only has his attention on me. That kind of shit... but this day and age it’s impossible. But I want that, and some part of me still fights for that even though I’ve also given up hope and also accepted that for however long I fight myself and stay alive with no reason to live... I will never find anybody. I will never have anyone.
  I don’t even have real friends anymore. I think I said not so long ago that I did. But now I realise I don’t. At all. I’ve been trying to get in touch with one I thought I was closest too... but she would repeatedly ignore me and yesterday just took the end of me trying... putting she was out with a bunch of people. Yet where was my fucking invite? And why aint I still getting no reply. She trusted me with something lately too and I’ve been trying to support her with that too... but fuck it, when everyone starts disappearing she can fuck right off. Stay hanging about with chavvy lads and people who don’t look after their kids, and have different fucking priorties of getting drunk and going out instead of looking after their offspring.
  Which brings me to that point, I swear, all people seem to do is have kids these days. Just me who doesn’t want them? I see no point. And we’re overpopulated to fuck! They should bring out a limit of children before people get themselves snipped... we do it with animals so why not fucking humans?
  I can honestly say I’m bored right now. I’ve got fuck all do tbh with you. My xbox broke and my laptop broke. So I can’t watch new stuff just gotta continue rewatching shows... but the thing is new shows broke it up for me. And now it’s like... I’m bored. I need entertainment. I also need sleep. Still doing that sleep for days then don’t sleep for days... currently on the no sleeping. Fun times!
  My heart melts so much lately with my new fur baby kittens... I’m so hoping that my mum lets me keep some. I’m already falling in love. They’re beauties. All got little unique personalities. I wish I could move out. Wouldn’t have nobody saying no to me then. I could have as many as I want hahaha!
  Findom and clips sort of picked up... but then died again. It’s fucking wank. Ah well. I’m used to having no money and shit. Just gotta get used to jt and no more luxuries! Ha.
  My birthday isn’t long off though... I’m excited for my birthday. Always am. Newcastle here I come.. again! Then a couple months later I have Dreamboys... then fuck knows. All I have to look forward to it this year. Fun life mine. Honest. I want to travel. I want to do things. But money and my illness stop me. Life does hate me. No matter what anybody says, it really does. Was I Henry the Eight in a past life or something?! Must have to get constant utter bullshit! Haha.
  Anyhow. How does someone like me who’s been through so much shit and still does get over it all? I mean like i said before I wanna let someone in but at the back of my mind I’m like ‘I don’t feel good enough’. ‘Who else is he speaking too’. ‘Who else is he seeing?’ ‘What is my competition like?’    I don’t know. This is just how I fucking think. Constantly. I can’t help it. I don’t want too. I’d love to just be normal. But my past hurt. It just doesn’t go away. And every other time I have met someone... they have proved me right. Only after one thing, no matter how long I make them wait. Always looking for better than me. Always have more than one chick... the list goes fucking on and on tbh.

  Kid Cudi, Kanye West... please bring out new music to cheer me up. And can One Direction get back together?! Thanks. Make my life a touch better... even if I am bed ridden 80% of the time with this shitty fucking illness...

Friday, 5 January 2018

Update... Still an emotional lonely wreck...

  I’ve not posted in a while again... just a little stressed and upset. I guess my pills aren’t working so good anymore. It looks like I’ll have to up the dose and hopefully that works. Who knows?
  Ugh. Where to start? I don’t even know. My illness is, as always, stradily getting worse... sleepless days, and then sleeping for days... but I honestly haven’t a clue which is worse?! Being asleep for three days in a row... or not sleeping three days in a row... like I think I’ll miss something when I’m asleep... but when I’m awake... I’m reminded of that gut wrenching loneliness and being alone. Being ignored by so called friends. No attention off anyone I want it off. That sort of shit. My life is just a bore. And as always. Very much pointless and wanting to die all the fucking time because there is no reason to live anymore, is no reason for me to fucking fights. Yep. I’m emotional. Again. Stupid fucking head. I wanna chop my head off to stop the thoughts... hey if I was Jack from Torchwood, I could, and I would still be alive hahaha.
  Cats.., they’re all I have tbh and I’m glad I have them at least, they’re super cute and mine are needy. Even though I still feel lonely and alone, I dunno cats bring a little relief to that. Even though I’m a little crazy because, well, I sit here talking to them more than i talk to fucking humans. I have 6 cats and my Bella just gave birth to another four. I really want them all, they’re too fcuking cute. Already have names for them!
  I’m fed up of being there for everyone and they aint there for me. I honestly have nobody who gives a fuck about me! Friends claim that they do... but yet I message and I just get ignored. It fumes me. There is no need. You’re supposed to be my fucking friend. Not like they read this. They don’t give a fuck about me, never have. Never will. Giving in after my birthday to the bad thoughts is looking more and more likely. Like I said. No point in fighting anymore.
  Guys... headfucked... both mix together. Guys just play games with my head... guys just can’t be fucked with me. Or I’m just headfucked, I overthink, I get jealous easy, I think bad of every male... though in the end, I end up right. So maybe I push males away. I dunno. I’m headfucked. All i know is being fucked around, fucked over, used, abused, cheated on... you get the fucking drift here right? Ah well. Not like any fucker actually wants me right now. I literally sit here talking to myself. Talking to the cats. That’s it. Lost in books, tv shows, films, where romance only exists and happy endings, drama free lives etc. I dunno what I’m thinking. Or trying to say anymore. Right now. I dunno. I’m just fucked up. I want someone to want me, only me, I want someone genuine, I want someone to give me attention, not ignore me, not like other chicks photos. I want the best. I deserve the best... surely I deserve someone after all the bullshit I’ve been through and got through? I’m sat here with tears in my eyes. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this emotional. I’m just fed up of being on my own, only being used for sex, spoken for sex, everything like that. Like what happened to romance? Why can’t people have conversations without trying to instigate sex?! I get sex is a big part of every day life, I myself have a high sex drive, to the point of sex dreams etc, but I don’t let that control me. I’m alright. I can handle it etc.
  Let me try and explain the pushing people away part. I say try because I don’t get it myself. I try not too. I literally really would love to be with someone. But I’m so scared. The two relationships I’ve ever had... both guys 100% cheated. No matter what they say. They never loved me either. Moving on after a week, it proves that. It took me months to move on. And I still am single after 3 years and 3 months after my last relationship... while everybody jumps from person to person. I just want someone real. But I’m so scared of it all repeating again. Every guy has fucked me over. Every. Fucking. Guy. I don’t know what a decent guy is. I don’t even know how to be treated well or anything like that. I just expect nasitness and being played, so i think, well, I just know I push people away that way... but like if you can be active but ignore me, like other chicks photos etc, then why can’t I think you’re doing wrong and hitting on them too? I know I’m not bad looking or my photos etc wouldn’t sell, but I feel like the lowest of the low and so unattractive at this always being rejected and hurt malarky. I just am so done with games... but it seems everyone else still wants to play games. Just give me someone decent please? Someone who looks at me, only talks to me, well in the romantic sense, doens’t like chicks photos within the same area, so as then I think they’re gonna fuck them too, someone who doesn’t think with their little cocks and can hold a conversation, maybe someone who doesn’t even have snapchat... social media is bad enough these days, sleazechat is even worse. I just want to be someone’s only. Honest to god. I’m fed up with competing and fighting against other girls. Why am I not fucking good enough for anybody?
  Right next update... Findom and clips sales, yet again is bullshit. No sales for a few days and as always timewasters when it comes to Findom ha. I wish I could work so I don’t have to have timewasters no more hahaha but no I can only manage part time thanks to being ill... someone find a fucking cure for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome please? Or at least something that fucking helps. Instead of an endless circle of nothing! Ha. Just hope Findom and Sales gets better soon i suppose...’into that? Then get to it hahaha.
  My mind’s gone blank now. I guess my venting because I have no fucked to rely on or talk to is over... ugh. Goodbye.

Thursday, 21 December 2017

All I’m able to do is sleep...

  My god... there is legit no relief for me, ever. Like all I have done for 36 hours is sleep... I’m not even joking right now. I’ve had my mum wake me ‘are you alive Abby’. Um yeah but I’m about to fall back sleep leave me be and straight back sleep I went. Nothing could keep me up... I’m awake now (11pm) but it won’t be long till I need to sleep again.
  It isn’t fair. It really isn’t fair. I just wanna be normal and live but I can’t. It drains me. Life fucking drains me. I just wanna be fucking normal. It’s frustrating... I make plans. I have to cancel because my body is drained and I can’t get out of bad because the pain is that bad... it’s unfair. Life is unfair to me. Like really fucking unfair.
  How will I ever meet someone the way I am? Simple answer.. I won’t. Not anymore. It’s a good fucking job I gave up hope. And if I continue to get worse. I swear I really will give up on life too... I see no point in my life. I can’t work. I can’t help the world. I can’t even donate blood or organs... like pointless life over here. I don’t even have anyone or anything worth fighting for either tbh. I’m not even shitting you.
  Friends don’t give a fuck... told them I was in hospital... not one asked how I am or why or what’s up. Family don’t give a fuck... my mum always goes on saying I’m lazy but I’m just so ill... I have no guy, and any guy I let in fuck me over and fuck me off and I’m back to being at square one... I can’t work, my clips selling and findom is slow as fuck right now.
  People always tell me off and say to me ‘be positive, shit will change’. But na. I tried that. I honestly tried to be positive. And what happened? I just got let down, I just didn’t end up happy or anything... nothing good ever happens to me it seems. Nothing. Nobody wants me. I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. And the pain. The pain is brutal. Makes me unable to move. My arms are killing me right now. Just so achey. I’m so achey. All the time.
  I wish those that doubt me had this illness, they’d realise the struggle that I go through every second of the day. No relief at all. Well drinking gave me a little relief. But I can’t drink due to my stomach now being fucked up. How fun. How fun is life. Honestly.
  Seriously. What is the point? Honest to god. I don’t know anymore. I’m close. I’m very fucking close to giving up. My life isn’t worth living, it’s too hard.

Wednesday, 13 December 2017

Help CFS.

  I am fed up. Purely fucking fed up. Why? Every second I’m fighting life literally. I can’t live.  Not anymore. I’m exhausted at trying. I’m so close to just ending it all, I really am. I mean what sort of life is mine? I just sleep. Literally. I just fucking asleep all the time. Literally. All the time. I got out of bed at 1 today. Come 2? I was back in bed and been to sleep till about 5. Now I’m about to eat and I bet I fall asleep again, always happens.
  But then it hits like 10/11pm... and I’m awake and okay. Is it bad that I actually look forward to that? To feeling a tiny bit alive. Even if I’m awake all night?! My god. I’m fed up. Seriously.
  What good am I? What good is my life? There is no good. Just bad. Literally just bullshit I go through. All the time. Every second. I have never got anything good. I just legit get shit after shit, bellend after bellend. It’s so unfair. I deserve happiness. I deserve something good. Yet it’s the bellends who don’t who get it.
  The CFS of mine is the worst. I don’t know how people who are much worse manage to stay alive. Mine is only mild. Steadily getting worse. And I’m so fed up I don’t know anymore. Like. Honestly. I just don’t know.
  I’m strong I know this, but I’m just getting so pissed off. I really can’t live without crashing. I do something end up in bed for days! I haven’t got out of bed since Monday this week. Well obvs in bits, make food, eat, back bed, go for a pee, go back bed. Crap.
  I know I go on about my illness and stuff.... but Chronic Fatigue Syndrome needs more awareness. In fact, it needs more help because there is currently fuck all for this bullshit illness. I mean I have pain pills but they don’t really work anymore. Cocodomol kind of does... but I can’t take that long becauss of the problem of becoming addicted on accident quickly! Paracetomol doesn’t work unless I take loads... which brings me to the fact it’s blatantly fucking up my stomach because it burns all the time.
  I want someone to stop neglecting this illness and actually look into it. I know cancer is bad, I know there are worse. But the thing is more and more people are getting this CFS and more and more people are getting ignored about it because they think it isn’t real and slate it... like, shit, I wish I didn’t exist. I really do. It’s so shitty not being able to do anything. Or doing something and having to sleep for days and hours instead after.
  People always go on about me working part time, going out on a Sunday... but you really need to realise... I sleep for days before. I sleep for days after. That’s how I manage going out. And even then I struggle. I wake and there’s so much pain, always so much pain. Like my muscles are being set on fire and if it’s worse, my joints are being set on fire too... shitty shitty life of mine.

  I don’t know how much longer I can live my life without living anymore, I really don’t. I give up...

Tuesday, 12 December 2017

Social Media hates me.

  The title says it... Social Media fucking hates me, I have no idea what the vendetta is, but they constantly remove me, I don't even do anything wrong. Facebook removed me for about 9 months, I  now have that back but constantly getting post blocks on there, the last one was for expressing my male hate and I am banned for a week... I mean c'mon, people put way worse on their Social Media but they get to  keep their account???
  The people who report me are people in my area... who give me abuse and I have even have death threats and just threats to 'beat the shit out of me'... all stated online... but does Facebook remove them? No, it's me they remove... all the time.
  For the first time in about 5 years Instagram has joined in and they removed me. Now I realise  they;re linked Facebook and Instagram... it seems I can't have one without them removing the other??? For the last 5 years or however long I've had Instagram, they have seriously never removed me... Ever. Maybe I got hacked over night, god knows...
  The thing is both platforms are fucking useless when it comes to contacting them and support... online form after online form, no reply for weeks and weeks. I even made a petition... though it isn't going so good atm...

  Now I know I have a potty mouth, but cmon Instagram and Facebook, you're blatantly targeting me for nothing here... you let people commit suicide, and like I've said I've been bullied, sent abuse, giving death threats and beating up threats... all over both these platforms, and Twitter... yet you let every single one of them keep their accounts? No warning? Statuses about me get to stay, but I write one explaining stuff with no names and I get another ban? How is this right?
  I have gradually built up a following on all Social Media I am on... Instagram, Facebook, Twitter. But every time I get popular I get removed, so all my hard work gets fucked over... I'm just a chick trying to have an online following! I accepted the Facebook, never getting my old ones back, but I want my Instagram back... 5 years of the same posts, and I have stuff on there I no longer have access too elsewhere! Such as my photos with famous people, and photos of my cats who have passed away, that's what I'm pissed about the most, my dead cat photos! I mean everyone who knows me or at least followed me for so long know how I am about cats! I mean, I currently have 6!
  I had almost 9k followers on my account... abbyylewis36... I made a new one, but I want my normal account... so much is on that account, my whole life for a good few years!

  Honestly, it's highly unfair how I am the one constantly being removed when I 'm just trying to live, I can't live life much because of my illness so yeah, I admit, online living is what I do mainly... but still, this is unfair, I can't even live online anymore because my accounts get reported by bullies and abusers, and I'm the one who gets removed... always. When it really should be them, not me!

  If you could, please share this post, lets get the word out how unfair Facebook and Instagram really are...They need proper forms of communication, they need to reply to their custom.
  I just wanna live my life and document it on Social Media... but it seems I'm not allowed when I have not done anything wrong and I never have, never will. They just let people report me who were in the wrong instead of me...

  So yeah, please share. Something needs to be done tbh.

Tuesday, 5 December 2017

Worst I’ve been...

  I always go on about my illness. I know I do. But the thing is. It needs more awareness. It isn’t understood. It’s silent. It can be brutal. I’m only mild but I know I’m getting worse every second... today has been the worst day I’ve had yet. I haven’t been able to move much at all. My body is killing. I feel even more drained than usual. I feel sick. And all because I changed my bed sheets and I hoovered up a little... what the hell. I hate living with this. I just want to be normal. I don’t want to be tired and in pain no more. I wanna get out of bed and be okahy and fucking struggle.
  People still try and give me shit over the illness. Saying it isn’t real... ha well I hope you get the illness and I hope you don’t even get diagnosed and we shall fucking see who’s struggling. I don’t deserve this I really don’t but those cunts really do. Honestly.
  I hate Christmas. It reminds me how alone and lonely I am. Well. Tbh. Just life does. Everyone is happy. Everyone has someone. I just get hit on by taken and married man and I don’t understand it. I’m a brilliant chick, I fucking know I am.
  So why me? Why the hell do i have this shitty life and shitty bad luck with nothing ever good when people who reall don’t deserve to be happy are just that. I repeat this so much but it’s just the fucking truth. It makes me think. There is no god, there is nobody looking out. There is just the devil making this planet more and more awful every second of the day.
  I got Facebook back after nine months! Even though they keep blocking me because yet again I stick up for myself with loads of abuse and I out cheats! Fuming. Like people get to talk shit about me, gibve abuse, write statuses about me.. yet I write one thing and boom get a block. Like are you for real Facebook?! You let people commit suicide! Ha. Cunts.
  As always. The findom and clips sales are fucking shit too. It’s annoying. Just more stress. Like I legit need the money me. To live. Because my bar job doesn’t earn much, and I don’t even know how much my body will allow me to work much anymore. Honest to god. It’s draining. And because Wigan is dying I now end up inside where the bars are like mini marathons! And I get told off for sitting when inside. Ugh. So yeah. I have no idea how lone work will let me work, because it’s failing every second my illness.
  I don’t know what else to write... my illness sucks. Life sucks. People suck. I’m lonely. Alone. I just want some good fucking luck for once...

Thursday, 16 November 2017

Mood is okay, sleep is fucked.

  I swear alot. I’ve realised that bad lately. But hey, I don’t even care anymore. I’m totally fed up of being unable to sleep at night when I aint out or working... like I’ll go bed between 12&12 and be awake from maybe 2/3 unable sleep for at least a couple hours. Tonight I woke at 2, it’s now 3.28am... and yep I’m still awake. Like always.
  My mind is finally numb again... these pills are the best I’ve ever tried. I love my mind being numb, detached. It’s so much fucking easier. I’m pissed off at my CFS though. I live my life and I fucking crash. I’m in a lot of pain right now and I have no idea why... well I do it’s my goddamn illness. My head is pounding, and my arms seem to be in more pain.
  Know what I hate? Fucking cheats. But it seems every goddamn person does it except me. Like shit. What the fuck? Ha. I had some guy saying he wanted be with me. And I hope you’re reading this since you supposedly read my posts... I found out he had a girlfriend the whole time he was speaking to me! trying to preach saying he wasn’t lying that there was nobody else and shit. And I can honestly say I am fuming. Also, he deserves his kids taken away... why? Because I said in a convo I never want kids. He laughed and was like, no me either... turns out he has four. One is pretty recent. Disgusting excuse for a man. Tried telling me he had never been in love or had a relationship. Supposed to be 29... but it seems he is yet another boy who thinks he is a man but blatantly fucking not. I only liked the guy because he was nice to me after that fucktard fucked me over recently. Man. What is it about guys? Like there are no genuine guys. Pisses me off. I deserve someone. But they all cheat and lie and want multiple chicks... but I don’t wanna fucking share! I’m confused about life and guys ha!
  I’m fed up mind. Everyone is moving on. Moving up. And because of my illness I’m stuck here. Like watching everyone forget me, move out, live life with no troubles etc... and I’m sat here day in day out and hella lot of pain bed ridden sometimes etc... it isn’t fair tbh with you. I mean my illness IS only mild but I can see myself getting worse. I mean I’m sat here typing and my legs have just started to burn and kill so much more. And it’s not even like I’m doing anything. I haven’t worked out in about 3 months which is another annoying thing because I want to work out. If it wasn’t for this I would totally bodybuild and compete... it fucking sucks! Recently a film called ‘Unrest’ came out. And it is a documentary of my illness. I mean the people feautured are so much worse than me mainly but it doesn’t matter, this illness is so misunderstood, doctors constantly saying it isn’t real and stuff and it’s like are you serious?! Do you think i enjoy not being able to work much? Or if I do get out of bed I crash for days and can’t move?! No not at all. I wish i was normal. I want to travel, move out, meet someone, commit. All of it. Like normal things wvery fucker else does but noooo. I’m stuck here and I can’t be with anyone becauze I’m a fucking burden.
  Man. Everyone who really deserves fuck all get everything I want. Like my exes being all fucking happy. Someone told me ones about to have a kid... after being with someone for about 3 months... well... you just got baby trapped especially sicne she already has one. Clearly looking for a baby daddy like most fuckers in Wigan and Leigh. Fucking joke this place. Everyone needs to know what real protection is, not just here though, everywhere. Especailly foreign people who believe a woman is only on the fucking planet to have 73883 kids. And then we all wonder why the planet is over populated and we’re all killing it off... STOP HAVING KIDS. Especailly when they can’t afford it and expect the government to pay. Yet people like me with this silent illness get refused any fucking help! Fuck my life. Cunts!
  I rant a lot. I know. But like, there is nowhere else to vent. I love my blog me. Helps me so fucking much and I aint even joking. It’s like my own version of therapy... with myself hahaha.
  Findom and Clips? Again. It’s shit. Not many sales in a few weeks.. nobody sending just timewasters and freeloaders. Blah. Fucking ballache this game sometimes. But we all need money. And I can’t really live well on my part time job. If I ever stopped what I do I’d be fucked. Basically living on plain pasta for the rest of my life since the Government refuses to help people with CFS unless it’s severe. And I really can’t work because working made me worse and I couldn’t cope. I mean i’m hardly coping now and all i do is sleep!
  I would like to know where my attraction for muscle men came from me. It’s ridiculous. I never used to like them. Ever. My ex used say he wanted get like that and I was like na man ew. But we split and I can’t get enough. It’s a shame they get too big for their heads and are the worst for sleazing and stuff! Most in relationships but hit on me. Or near me there are no muscle men. The only people who hit on me these days are Americans anyway... I NEED TO BE THERE FOREVER WITH MY CATS. But that won’t happen. Life hates me.

  I’m back on Facebook... Abbyy Lewis. Find me. Follow me. Add me. I won’t accept if I don’t want too. Sorry but I aint wanting no creepers on my friends list! Hahaha.

  I’m gonna try sleep. Again. My head is so fucking sore. Gonna try without pills... but we’ll see. No doubt I have to take some. I always do. Fuck this CFS/ME.

  Cheers for reading.