Tuesday, 10 April 2018

Everything new...

  Ever just read books and want to jump right into that world as it sounds so much better? I bloody do. To those of you who don’t know, I read, I read a hell of a lot. Alot don’t believe me because of the whole blondness, but hey I have read since I was about 6 maybe even younger. I remember reading all the books in the primary school I was in and I hadn’t even hit year 4, that’s how much I love a good book. Obviously my favourite genre is the dark fantasy types but them there’s the romance, and then I have won so many books on Goodreads which has opened my eyes and made me enjoy more genres, don’t judge a book by it’s cover? I always do... but I still tend to read them haha.
  Have you ever read a book and the first thing you do is skip to the back and read the last page? I do this about 80% of the time, surely I’m not alone in this? And what about when you’re right about what’s happening in the book, I’m rarely surprised at something in a book, so when I am I would say it is a pleasant surprise since it rarely happens...
  Check me out babbling on here, I dunno. I’m actually reading a book where the main chick is also deeply into reading and blogs about them, so I guess that’s why. I mean I dunno about blogging about the books, I’d hate to spoil it for some readers you know? I mean me, if someome ruins something for me, like a book I’d still read it, or a TV show or film, I’d still watch it. It doesn’t bother me. But loads get deeply offended if you ruin it for them, and I have ruined some things for people. Not always on purpose haha.

  Okay, so, I know I always update you. So i will. As always. I’m up at 5.21am typing this, the lovely cats of mine woke me about an hour ago, and time seems to bloody fly doesn’t it?! I need sleep badly, as I have to be up kind of tomorrow, this always happens. I need to be up, so sleep doesn’t bloody happen, always just my bloody luck ey. Anyhow. I’m hyper from lack of sleep... so this post probably won’t be so down. I mean. I’m sorry if I offended anyone ever with my Blog Posts, but they help me. Depression sucks, CFS sucks. I’m 25 but living like I’m 75, one that is almost dying. Since you know alot of older people these days are still living like they’re 20 haha. It’s weird. I dread being so much older. How will I cope. I want a cure for CFS, it’s a pain it is.
  How has my illness even been? A bloody struggle I tell you that for free, I just seem to be getting worse, I live a little, BOOM, crash for a few days and struggle, like, shit. It’s so bloody unfair. Yeah, I know people ‘are worse off than me’. But they probably have support unlike me, and I dunno they have something or someone to fight for. I don’t think I do. I know I don’t. But I am still here, that’s got to matter, even though life genuinely hates me and clearly wants me to give up, maybe one day but I’m gonna try fight. A little longer at least.
  Findom and clips, as always shitty, I got a few gifts off my wishlist because of my birthday, but someone totally faked buying, annoys me that, just don’t buy yeah? Please. I get my hopes up. For nothing. And clips have been slow, I’m unable to advertise much atm, Social Media seems to be hating me and keeps removing, well Instagram and Facebook, so I only have Twitter really. I’ll advertise here— www.iwantgoddessabbyy.com. https://onlyfans.com/abbyylewis36https://www.xtremeplaypen.com/model/abbyy36.html  Hopefully that helps an increase, cmon guys haha. You’ll love the content.

  I feel like I have friends here actually give a shit, they bother with me (mostly) it just sucks because sometimes I’m too ill to do anything tbh. I feel like a failure. A burden. But we already know that. Guys? I have been speaking to someone, I am hoping it works out, we’ll see. That’s all I shall say haha.

  Oooo, I have finally been able to game! My cat broke my xbox, and then my kittens broke the TV and been so drained in between to game, I’m super behind on my show but i have wanted to game again for so long. Only bad thing is with my illness getting worse it isn’t long before I get a migraine from gaming, and my concentration goes, and my eyes go... just can’t I be normal please world, please life?

  Can life stop hating me and give me some good things for once? I deserve them, I know I do...

Sunday, 25 March 2018

3 years, 5 months and counting...

  So the title, that’s how long I’ve been single for now. It’s also how long I worked at Bentleys for! A distraction turned into working at a great bloody place! Haha. So guys. People keep telling me I will find someone. I’m only almsot 25 (one week today woop woop!). And I just have honestly no hope for myself. I don’t talk to anyone, not really. Nobody I want wants me!
  Everyone tells me stop being picky or whatever, but I’m sorry but I just can’t. Attraction is a big thing for me. And sometimes. I aint even attracted to looks, but personality, and even those types fuck me over. It’s really fucking unfair if I’m honest how much I get fucked around.
  I really wouldn’t mind, but the cunts who don’t deserve it... get it all. Take that whole thing with Max Hewitt last year. He’s sleeping with me. Meeting and kissing his exes promising them and me that him and Lauren are splitting... next thing? They’re fucking married. She’s a giant mug if you ask me. I’ve had people telling me that he messaged them on his fucking wedding day, saying he wants see them. ON HIS FUCKING WEDDING DAY. Yet he has it all. A wife, who is beautiful, but still a little bit of a mug for even bothering with that nob (he has cheated on everyone he’s been with, we used to be so close. I sae it all the time)! He’s healthy, not like me with a fucked up body and being so ill. He has been able to move out, he can work, he’s happy and settled when he does not deserve it.
  There are so many like this though. Happy but undeserving. Then you get people like me who do deaserve it, but we just get the bullshit! I swear. I must be cursed. It isn’t fucking fair. Life hates me so much, I don’t know. It’s simply an annoyance.
  I wouldn’t mind about being lonely, alone, single for life, if it wasn’t for being ill and sometimes being unable to do so much. Like, honestly. I really miss working full time. But my illness has started to affect me weekends, that’s two nights a week... can you imagine 7 days a week? Like I used too? Na. I can being even worse and probably house bound... well. I kind of am housebound already... blah.
  Like. I said. Life. Hates. Me. Atm though the pills seem to be working... I’m kind of numb again. Shit aint bothering me. But probably next week I’m back ti crying daily... which really fucking suchs tbh. I just don’t wanna feel. It’s the best thing ever. I finally got another xbox, too bad I’ve been way too ill to game ha.
  I can’t believe I’m almost 25 and I have nothing and nobody to live for, an dmy life is a complete mess. I bought my birthday gifts though! Since you know. I actually don’t get any gifts anymore. And like I said, FINDOM IS SHIT. So nobody else is buying. My mum doesn’t really buy, I don’t expect friends too. I miss being young and an only child. Used to get loads. Now I just get a cup and a pat on the back. It sucks getting older. Especially when you can’t even fucking live much.
  I have to stop drinking completely and I actually need to scan my stomach. I went out Thursday, and I was fine till saturday, then boom my stomach was killing me all day and night to the point of not sleeping, and I was leaning forward, hurting my back, very uncomfortable, but the only position that helped me and made me feel okay, at one point I was sat on the toilet for two hours, not doig anything, I just found myself a great relaxed position where I was pain free. But went to move and my back was actually stuck for a minute. Bloody awful. I’m kind of better, but I can still feel it burning at the same time. Ouch. On top of my CFS, I really didn’t need that! I don’t need it ha.
  I just really have the worst luck. All I know is I’m thankful for my kitties, even though i’m allergic asf and that probably makes me worse. And the fact my sales are doing alright. Findom is still pretty shitty, but tbh it’s been ruined with all the guys and gals and fakes etc. Ballache, but so fucking true. I’m also thankful I have a few good mates behind me atm. I am hoping they don’t leave though. Since everyone seems too. It breaks my heart every time. I’m an ace person. Be my friend hahaha.
  Okay, so. Signing off. Need to try and get some sleep again. Insomnia sucks. My head also hurts bad tonight. But that may be from cocodomol addiction on accident ha. Ballache, like i always say. I just want to be happy and healthy, not single forever. Life doesn’t want that for me. It wants me unhappy, broken and single for life...

Life hates me.

Tuesday, 6 March 2018

Update, Update, Update...

  Life still hates me. Great opener. But it’s 100% my personal quote, fact, whatever you wanna call it! Haha. I haven’t posted in a while, so thought I should update you all, even though not too much has happened. Especially nothing good ha.
  I’m still single as fuck. I don’t even talk to anyone. I just sit here. And I wonder why do I even bother with my phone because I never have any messages anywhere to reply too. Oh wait. I have games I play daily and I have to keep that up.. but that’s all hahaha. I mean, people say i need to stop moaning but I can’t help it. I’m loyal as fuck, I’m great... yet it’s the cheats and liars who have everything I want. They don’t deserve anyone. But I do. But nobody wants me. That is a fact. I guess I’ll have to keep getting lost in TV Shows and books and fantasising about being someone else who gets who she wants... ugh.
  Findom. Clips sales. Again. Utter wank! It picked up a little the clips sales. Got loads of subscriptions on Onlyfans. But then, onlyfans fucked up and I have lost hundreds of pounds I am owed. So if anyone knows of any sites like that I can delete onlyfans and make an account elsewhere. Because I am absolutely fuming! My clips sales are also really shitty. Barely had any, again. Oh well. Findom? Not had nothing in months.,, too many dommes. Too many timewasters. It’s unfair.
  Friends. I know I have them. But sometimes I’m jealous, lost, they’re doing so well in life and I can’t get out of bed alot of the time without feeling sick. It’s unfair. They don’t message me either. Always me messaging first or they don’t bother. Always been that way. Always been a fucking loner.
  Okay, a few know about my operation, it was only a mini one, ten minutes. But they 100% don’t fully warn you about stuff. I’ve been so ill more than usual because of it! I had the LLETZ operation. Basically burning out abnormal cells that can cause cancer out of the cervix... fun right? I mean times like this it’s a good job I have no life. Needed to rest more than usual... ugh. Boring though. Especially with nobody to text or anything.
  I’m 25, 2nd April, and as always looks like I will need to buy my own gifts, haha. Unfair that. But hey always do since nobody else buys. And well, since Findom is wank nobody else is gonna gift me sadly. Only bad thing is with going to Newcastle end of the month? I’m too skint to buy myself a gift. Oh well. Fuck it. I don’t wanna live so who cares. Nobody. It was really hard to get people to celebrate my birthday with me and everything!
  I’m broken. That is a fact. But the fact I am constantly rejected and stuff, it makes me even more broken. It’s just super unfair how nobody wants me, yet bad people get with someone. They’re unloyal but their partners are oblivious and loyal. Shit.
  I just want to be okay and happy. But life really hates me and just gives me so much bullshit to deal with. I’ve never known true happiness and probably never will. I doubt I’ll make it to 26, it’s just how I feel. Utterly fed up, lonely and alone... life hates me and it’s unfair because I try to be okay and happy and normal and try and get someone and try and get out etc, but oh well.

Bye again x

Friday, 9 February 2018

Feeling Okay...

  So I thought we'd go for a change, I feel okay, my mind is numb, my god it is the best feeling ever. But my mind is still head fucked mind, I mean c'mon, guys have fucked me over too much and still fucking do. I'll be honest I still love my ex. Always have, always will, and I don't know if you ever ever get over your first love, I wish I could, it was kinda toxic, but yeah... ending this now. Some things I do keep to myself.
  People always assume I let everyone know everything... this really is not the goddamn case, ha, some things I have not told anyone, I can't, I won't. 

  But yeah, I feel okay, for once, I mean I just got home from work and since I can't sit down as much no more... my body is in absolute bits, I must remember my goddamn knee guards tomorrow. I'm 25 in a bloody 700 year old body I swear to god. 
  It sucks that CFS isn't really known, and alot of people say it isn't real, like I always say... I miss being normal, especially being able to work full time to drown out the voices in my head that go on and on and overthink like annoying little voicey shits. 
  Ey, did I tell you... I have to sleep with a night guard soon, how unattractive, another bloody good reason I'm single for life isn't it... even if I do miss having someone, but oh well. Fuck it. Fuck it all. 

  I should really go try and sleep now anyway, fucking back though... ouch. Bit of a random mini rant here! Night. x

Thursday, 8 February 2018

Going Nowhere...

  Ever just sit there and think... life is going nowhere? I do, all the fucking time, because quite frankly... life for me, is going nowhere. I'm nearly 25, most people my age, loved up, loads of kids, and I'm just sat here with 10 cats, can't even get a fucking date, never mind a guy... my fantasies are in my dreams. If I was normal in the mind everything would be fine. But no, I overthink, I want to be happy... Why do i have the worst luck? Because I fucking do.
  I have nobody, not really, endless loneliness and being fucking alone. I have shitty illnesses that make it so I can't live proper, which does my head in, I wanna go out and travel and not end up in bed for days and days... As I always say, I miss working, would be soooo much easier if I could work, I would just work all the fucking time, forget people, forget the loneliness, forget being alone. But no life is against me, and gives me an illness that sucks! People don't understand though.... Oh get some caffeine in ya, get some iron tablets... like, fuck, can you piss off with your goddamn ignorance?! If that worked.. don't you think I would have already?! Utter ignorant fools.
  As always, Findom, Clips are currently slow, again, annoying. I mean, so fucking annoying, the cunts who copied me and lie about EVERYTHING do better than me, so should I just lie about everything guys?? Pretend to be someone I aint?! HA, Na, I'm okay, everyone gets found out in the end, ey.... money makes me happy, even a little, I mean, i have accepted I will never be loved, I will never ever be with anyone again, I guess I'm at a loss at having mates who wanna see me... because they never fucking do unless they need or want something... so money and cats, yep only things to make me a little happy...
  I've been watching Doctor Who lately, well re watching, as I have seen all the newer seasons, I'm on Season 8 right now, Clara and Capaldi, I forgot how good Doctor Who is and looking forward to how they portray the woman Dctor, nest should be someone black I reckon, then I dunno, how long can they carry it on ey?! I still much prefer Torchwood though. I wish they would bring it back... in fact Skins and Misfits should return too, so much more they can do with them two, I reckon anyway. As you see I have no life, I spend all my time with my ten cats in my room watching TV Shows, and I also read a lot. I guess it beats just sitting here, I guess, but I do miss human company... which I only get on the weekend, at work, with annoying drunkens!
  Technology especially Social Media... it's killed humanity. It really fucking has.Nobody gets out anymore to meet anyone, and online talking, dating, etc... it just isn't the same, especially when there are fake profiles of you so you can't have certain dating sites, quite unfair.. Kids also aren't kids anymore, and the ones who go outside and 'play' are 90% neglected bratty kids who are mouthy as fuck. Maybe power needs to be cut off from the world... but then I would mis my TV shows ha. Saddo that I am.
  There's a lot that goes on in my head, hence why my blogs are jumbled etc. I just put what comes into my mind no matter how bloody random it seems... which it normally does ha.
  N-Dubz, Jonas Brothers, One Direction, JLS.... when are you gonna get back together? Everyone else has, and dear boys of One Direction it's been longer than a year hiatus that you've split up... false promises! I love the solo stuff but I still want you back together. I'm honestly nearly 25 hahaa.
  Life is lonely, and I am alone, but I'm still fighting, even though I have no reason to fight...

Wednesday, 31 January 2018

La La Land...

  As you all probably have seen, yet again, like always I am so fucking lost when it comes to life. I’m going nowhere. I have nobody. I have nothing. And fuck me, it just gets to be... all the fucking time. It really does not help the fact that I can't work much... so sat here, day in, day out... it's a fucking killer. Especially when I talk to nobody, it's utter bullshit.
  I would love to be normal, illness free... No CFS/ME, no depression, no other bullshit I end up getting... Just would, yeah, normality... please?! I legit no longer know what to do with myself... I know I should get this book written, and I think I will try again, it's been two years... hopefully the writes block has finally fucking gone. It would be good to have a published book, I mean I'm into books so much it would be nice.
  I feel like nobody gives a fuck, because they don't not really, most people act like they do, but when I really need them they're too fucking busy for me... but that's just how life is. If it wasn't for my CFS... I would be too fucking busy for everyone else too! But life hates me, and won't allow me to be illness free it seems! 
  I know, I know, I supposedly ,moan too much, I am too negative, blah blah.. don't like it? don't look! I will write whatever on my blog or my Social Media.... I vent because I have no fucker to really vent too, because if I vent it isn't long before people leave, or change conversation and ignore me again... I just don't fucking know anymore.
  I really wish I wasn't in this world, or at least this generation... the media, social media, all of this electronics... it has ruined the world, trust me. I miss being younger, actually getting out in the world, and the only way I could use a computer was at my friends house... so I was never on my own for long... not like now. Endless fucking loneliness. 
  People always say that they they're there for me... but they really are not, I need the people I thought were there, but t's obvious that they can't be there for me... which is fine, but please don't pretend you do care then yeah, you get the fucking idea. And if not, I confused myself too... ha. 
  I know like, I could have someone but the thing is no matter how lonely and alone I get, I don't want to jut settle, or go for someone I'm not attracted too, because no offence but attraction plays a huge part... I can't fuck or be with someone or even kiss someone I aint attracted too... unless I'm pissed up but I don't intend on being pissed up 24/7... well I'm thinking of being an alcoholic, kinda kills me off, no energy, no thinking, boom I'm sorted. My type is normally fitness guys but not always, I do find myself always comparing guys to my first love.. but I know I shouldn't. ha. Some things I can't say, but I would love too. I'm fucking with my own head... but it's so complicated... certain things anyway.
  People tell me I'm lucky... I would give the less unfortunate what I have before I end it, if I do, if I could, to feel as low as I do, I really just think of death so much and it's like I just really see no point... I'm a fighter... but fighting myself this much.. it's really taking a fucking toll.
  What else to update on??? I mean, feeling lonely and alone, with no real mates who care, no guys in my life, who I talk too every second of every day etc... hm. I have 10 cats, utter cuteness, they're all I really have.. and if I'm honest probably the only reason I am still fighting myself and the bad and sad thoughts.... if I never had them, I would give up sooner than intended... I'm beginning to hate January, no Findom or Clips Sales really again... like shite, I need money if nothing else, that at least keeps me happy... money and gifts, but getting neither. Just timewasters, and people pretending to buy off my wishlist but they really haven't, so get my hopes a little the shatter them!! hahaha.
  People always have a go at me too because of what I do and about my 'half naked photos' and tbh with you it's very fucking annoying... leave me be. Do I dictact your life? Give you shit for being benefits? Popping out kids so you don't have to work? No, if you wanna be home not working out of choice then so be it. You be lazy and fucking bored, nothing to do with me. Just like my life has fuck all to do with you either. The most said thing is 'old men buy your nudes'. But the one big fact is... no they don't, it's people my age., or younger, and trust me... those polls on Instagram... it says who said yes, so I could name a few taken guys that have bought stuff around here. but that aint my fauly. I just advertise and... whatever. Not my fault chicks seems to sexually deprive their boyfriends... girls give your man sex. My photos and what I do... that also does not mean I deserve this utter loneliness either, and any fucker who says that... I wish you the worst, I hope you lose everyone, everything, I hope you feel this way. I hope you feel hoe I fucking feel, because you need to be in this situation to understand... I wish more bullies had my illness too and experienced what I did... you really wouldn't cope with what I do every fucking day... constant tiredness, that never goes away, and fuck me the pain too, like my arms are in so much pain from typing and holding my phone and my book today... oh shit yeah, I also managed to work out earlier, so be a little because of that too. But yeah, the pain and tiredness... it NEVER goes, taking painkillers dulls the pain but it's still fucking there... and not just these two, there are so many more symptoms, like a shit loads, and as my life carries on... I'm getting worse, meaning more and more symptoms, which is another reason why I just feel like giving in to the voices... blah. 

  Hopefully, I'll get in the docs soon and they'll up my pills and that helps... if not I haven't a fucking clue, I feel so fucking low. Even worse when ones who I thought were close to me have fallen out with me and really won't come back into my life no matter how hard I try... proper fucks with my head. Everything fucks with my head these days! 
  Just wish life wasn't so hard. I wish life didn't hate me, but it fucking does. No matter what anyone says life fucking hates me. I just get bullshit, worse and worse, NEVER anything good. yet people say 'it gets better'.... I'm still waiting for that. Like I said in all the 24, almost 25 years I've been in this shit world... I have never ever had anything good to be happy about. 
  Money, stress free, illness free, love, friends, people who care... hopeless wishing for all this, but it aint ever gonna happen for me, that is the truth!!

I'm done fighting for much longer, unless I find something to live for soon... but i doubt it.
Thanks for reading, if you read, but probably not. ha. 

Saturday, 13 January 2018

I’m not Ashamed.

  I know my posts all follow the same sort of theme, venting about trying to cope with my mental fight depression, my illness, stress, loneliness, alome... but in all honesty I’m not ashamed. I’m not even ashamed by the clips/findom world... if I did don’t you think I would stop guys? Remove it all? Exactly. It doesn’t bother me. And if it bothers others, that is THEIR problem, not mine...see a little bit of positivity there... not always doom and gloom. Well. I try. But my blog is for me. I may share it etc, but it’s for me to vent and I dunno let loose since I have nobody.
  I’ve been single now for three years and three months, and by god am i ready to let someone in. But my god am I also so fucking scared because all I’ve known are players, cheats, all I see are players and cheats. And my god. I just want someone who only wants me. Only has his attention on me. That kind of shit... but this day and age it’s impossible. But I want that, and some part of me still fights for that even though I’ve also given up hope and also accepted that for however long I fight myself and stay alive with no reason to live... I will never find anybody. I will never have anyone.
  I don’t even have real friends anymore. I think I said not so long ago that I did. But now I realise I don’t. At all. I’ve been trying to get in touch with one I thought I was closest too... but she would repeatedly ignore me and yesterday just took the end of me trying... putting she was out with a bunch of people. Yet where was my fucking invite? And why aint I still getting no reply. She trusted me with something lately too and I’ve been trying to support her with that too... but fuck it, when everyone starts disappearing she can fuck right off. Stay hanging about with chavvy lads and people who don’t look after their kids, and have different fucking priorties of getting drunk and going out instead of looking after their offspring.
  Which brings me to that point, I swear, all people seem to do is have kids these days. Just me who doesn’t want them? I see no point. And we’re overpopulated to fuck! They should bring out a limit of children before people get themselves snipped... we do it with animals so why not fucking humans?
  I can honestly say I’m bored right now. I’ve got fuck all do tbh with you. My xbox broke and my laptop broke. So I can’t watch new stuff just gotta continue rewatching shows... but the thing is new shows broke it up for me. And now it’s like... I’m bored. I need entertainment. I also need sleep. Still doing that sleep for days then don’t sleep for days... currently on the no sleeping. Fun times!
  My heart melts so much lately with my new fur baby kittens... I’m so hoping that my mum lets me keep some. I’m already falling in love. They’re beauties. All got little unique personalities. I wish I could move out. Wouldn’t have nobody saying no to me then. I could have as many as I want hahaha!
  Findom and clips sort of picked up... but then died again. It’s fucking wank. Ah well. I’m used to having no money and shit. Just gotta get used to jt and no more luxuries! Ha.
  My birthday isn’t long off though... I’m excited for my birthday. Always am. Newcastle here I come.. again! Then a couple months later I have Dreamboys... then fuck knows. All I have to look forward to it this year. Fun life mine. Honest. I want to travel. I want to do things. But money and my illness stop me. Life does hate me. No matter what anybody says, it really does. Was I Henry the Eight in a past life or something?! Must have to get constant utter bullshit! Haha.
  Anyhow. How does someone like me who’s been through so much shit and still does get over it all? I mean like i said before I wanna let someone in but at the back of my mind I’m like ‘I don’t feel good enough’. ‘Who else is he speaking too’. ‘Who else is he seeing?’ ‘What is my competition like?’    I don’t know. This is just how I fucking think. Constantly. I can’t help it. I don’t want too. I’d love to just be normal. But my past hurt. It just doesn’t go away. And every other time I have met someone... they have proved me right. Only after one thing, no matter how long I make them wait. Always looking for better than me. Always have more than one chick... the list goes fucking on and on tbh.

  Kid Cudi, Kanye West... please bring out new music to cheer me up. And can One Direction get back together?! Thanks. Make my life a touch better... even if I am bed ridden 80% of the time with this shitty fucking illness...