Tuesday, 22 August 2017

What happens next?

  The mind is complicated... but sure is the world. The one main thing that has kept me here is the big question 'what happens next? What happens after?' Is that just it then? You're gone and that's it? I'm a big believer in 'next lives, past lives'. But the part that gets me is you never remember the past life you had. I wish you did. So you already learnt some life help stuff etc. I dunno part of me just wants to remember. God knows why. My life sucks. And it always has! Full of cunts. Ha. But like. Does Supernatural exist? I sure as hell know ghosts do... but vampires, werewolves? Hmm. I dunno. I wish they did and I'd love to be a vampire. I think I'd make a great one too tbh.
  Most people don't deserve to remember and go on though tbh, but they're the ones who always get the good stuff and the happiness happen to them. Totally fucking unfair.
  What do you truly believe in? What do you think happens? Curious on other people's views.

  There is something else that I have to write too. I miss so many relationships and so many people from the past. Of course. I'm forgotten by them... but the world hates me and it so that I have fucked up head that fucks me up, makes me overthink, all Sorts. I'm gonna sort of list the people I miss, I don't know why, but for some reason I have too;
KA, KS, BB, RG, MH, SDA, EL, BP, JL, JH, JH, JW, JON, Z, DG, SC, LH, CC, CC, CB... there are more. But I can't really think right now. I have another headache. Which keep happening. Super annoying, honestly. Just another way my illness is getting worse! Blah. Oh, I don't know why I miss the people, i just do. Even though most are arses. In fact. They all are. They all left too, but then everyone leaves in the end!

  Letting people in, it's something I can no longer do, I've done it too much, I've been hurt way too much, and everyone I do start to lower my guard for? They fuck me up too. So tell me... why should I give anyone a chance? Everyone's just a cunt. I swear down.
  I've started wearing crystals, yeah I'm a believer in that shit. The ones I don't ever take off are the necklaces, three charms, ones for love, ones to 'let go' and the third to remove energy blocks ha. Obviously the first two are what I need the most. But I have my bracelets too... but I have about 20
That I wear!! I dunno. Just a little hoping on my part, but I don't know shit anymore. I can't control life and it sucks to be honest.

  No money problems atm, a few sales here and there, but the findom? Just timewasters again. Cats? Got 7 beautiful babies who are healthy and loving. Mood? Head? Kinda mellow now. But I do have my Moments. Still. And I hate those moments. Like empty, mindless head fucked moments where I'm so alone and lonely and it hurts. Guys? What guys? Mates? What mates? Family? What family? All this is just an update I guess since I don't have Facebook no more! Ey my right leg is progressing though, can't wait for it to be done completely! Get me those clips sales (iwantclips & search Abbyy36) orrrr sign up to my onlyfans... https://onlyfans.com/abbyylewis36. Oh and if you're a findom loser, just buy off my wishlist, send me money, you know the usual. Oh. My CFS is still steadily declining. It sucks. But it is what it is. I just miss working out.

  Anyhow. I don't have anything else to say right now. Enjoy the read. Shorter than usual.

Tuesday, 15 August 2017

Head. is. Fucked!

  Honestly. Life. Fucking. Hates. Me.
I'm not even joking. Everyone always says 'stay positive, it'll get better' but I fucking try... and you know what? It just gets fucking worse. Every second. Every minute. Every fuckong day. Just utter fucking bullshit. Why me? What the actual fuck did I do do to deserve such misery and unhappiness?! It really is all the horrible and people who do something awful that end up with happiness, what have I gotta do? Seriously?! Do I have turn murderous to be happy? Because it fucking seems like it!
  I give people chances, guys, and what do they do? They just fuck me up and leave! It is true what they say though, love completely fucks you over. The guy I was seeing last, I shouldn't have gone there, an ex mates ex, stupidity at it's finest. Especially when I saw her fuck him up... so he got to fuck me up... and I just know he was an idiot and he's gone back to his ex. How do I know this? Because she's single herself. Utter fucking bullshit.
  I get I probably shouldn't have gone there but he was such an amazing guy... it's a fucking shame it took a cunt to fuck him up. It just isn't fair no more. Not to me. I hate living. I don't see the fucking point. I have no decent mates. I have a family that doesn't give a shit about me. And guys? They continue to fuck me up, fuck me over. And my head is just simply fucked up and I do not want to be here much longer...
  And you know what? I probably won't be. There is no point in my like. It just gets worse. So much hurt. So many issues. I've been drinking more. I shouldn't but I can't stop anymore. There is legit nothing better to do. Especially when people only wanna see me when it involves a night out. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck off.

  I genuinely just want to be gone.

  I'm not really eating no more. Sleeping more. Drinking more. My life is just a fucking waste. I would gladly give it to someone mire deserving... if they could cope with the shitty illnesses and fuck fuckery that I can't cope with.

  I cry daily. Just why me? Why do i have to have a shit life? Shit illnesses? Shit people? Never being good enough but forever bein played.

End it Abby. Pointless.

Monday, 7 August 2017

3.30am... I should blog to myself :').

  Hello you lot! Been a while. And as always, I feel like utter shit. Just another day over wih where I cry myself to sleep because of my loneliness having nobody and a shitty illness what is getting worse second by second, it's so hard work. I'm sat here, well lay, and fuck me my pain is brutal. I've even took ten different pills... but nope. Not worked. I'm trying to avoid cocodomol because I'll know I'll be addicted so need wait a couple days... but this pain, man it's fucking hard. Just thinking about taking every pill I have tbh... maybe that'll give me some release. It's super unfair.
  My head is so fucked you know. Guys just make me worse too they're forever lying to me, playing about, playing games. Just more and more proof I will never find snyone. I'm broken as it is... I don't need more boys to break me even more... I just wish it wasn't the case because honestly... I'm fed up of being hurt. I'm always getting hurt.
  If you follow me social media you'll see I've been going out a hell of a lot. Why? A few reasons tbh...first reason? I'm fed up of being on my own too much, always fucking alone, so I go out. I get left, but who the fuck cares, I'm out not at home, and drinking shots to forget... which I need to stop because that is contributing to me being worse... I mean, literally sleeping all day, more symptoms. But at the same time it's like so what... I won't be doing anything else but sitting in my room watching, reading and occasionally gaming. Talking to myself. Talkig to my cats. Another reason? I'm scared with my illness getting worse that soon I will be in a wheelchair or bed ridden... and I just don't know if I can even handle it. I really don't fucking know. A third reason... it numbs the pain, fuck me, does it. It makes me so happy to be pain free, but then of course when i come off the alcohol it hits me again and I'm back crying. I should just be an alcoholic, maybe it'd be the death of me...
  If you're my lovely stalker from the past two years reading this... please just get over yourself and leave me be. Stop making profiles in my name, and making profiles to try bully me. Everything is being kept evidence... and once that new catfish law comes, I'll be taking it to the police if you continue to happen. Just leave me be yeah?
  I'm happy that my cats are all okay, healthy. And my newest furbaby kitten called Cudi is absolutely heart melting. I love him so much already!! And I'm also happy that my saes for my clips and findom shit it is going good... I'm happy so I can finally get my reight leg done soon too. Hopefully go away at some point too... depends on my illness becausw I'll be going by myself.
  I know full well my fate is to be alone, lonely and single for the rest of my life, it's so fucking obvious... but fuck me... it hurts. Everyone leaves, everyone fucking leaves and I'm hurting so much. I seem to be a lucky charm for everyone me. They talk to me, they go on one meeting with me... then boom! Next week they're with someone who isn't me. Why am i not fucking good enough for these male cunts!! It's unfair. Life is unfair. People are unfair. And everyone wonders why I hate  life and every fucker. Because I haven't met a fucking decent person... that is why!
  I just want to want to live, rather than wake up and just want to walk out my house and jump off a fucking bridge because I'm head fucked and honestly going crazy with how much I constantly get hurt... i give chances to all sorts of types before people try blame me.. they just always lie and stuff.

  I never recovered from my exes emotional abuse. And tbh, I don't think I will because I am constantly still being hurt. So it's all the same fucking story. I'm fed up of being sad, suicidal, I hate I cry every day, mainly at night in bed. I'm broken. And I just wish guys weren't headfucks, cheats, users, players, becauee if they weren't? Life wouldn't be so bad...

...Nobody I want wants me anyway. And no. I won't settle. I'm a burden.

Goodnight.

Wednesday, 26 July 2017

Loneliness, Alone, Endless Loop, Endless Cycle...

  I'm just so fed up of this endless lonely and alone cycle. It's not fair. It isn't nice to live with. It's getting harder and harder and harder to wanting to stay alive... I honestly have nobody who gives a fuck if I wasn't here, by god plenty would pretend too, but where are you when I meed you? You're not here, you're not messaging me asking me am I okay. You're in your own perfect little world. Happy. While I am in this shitty fucking loop.
  I don't know what happiness is. I don't know what it is like to have someone who cares about you, there for you, helps you. I only know myself. And even then I am utterly fucking broken to fully know myself!
  Why me? Seriously. Why the fuck do I deserve such unhappiness? Such constant hurt? It really annoys me. I cry every day. I talk to myself every day. I talk to my cats every day. Nobody else to talk with. Seeing nobody. Just loneliness. Being alone. Like I said. I must've done something so awful in a past life, and it's only making me want to do something bad in this life... dealing with this daily, my emotions, my depression, everything, it's hard work. I wish I could have my 'happy ending'. But real life isn't like my brilliant books. All I get is bullshit. Sad endings. Unhappiness.
  I know my posts are dark, sad, kinda depressing. And I'm sorry for that. But when you have nobody, have nobody to vent to... my blog is my only way of letting myself feel better. I don't even feel that much better. I'm still sat here with my heart hurting, tears in my eyes, wanting to just give in to this voice in my head telling me to just fucking end it because it's clear to me that I will never get happiness. I will never have friends who fully care about whether I'm here or not. I will never have a guy to love me because I'm unwanted and utterly unlovable.
  At least I can make guys pay me. That's all your fucking worth. Being used. You use me? I'll fucking use you. For your money. I am quite done giving chances to the male population. You want a chance? Then guess fucking what. I expect gifts, I expect you to jump through fucking loops, I have a giant fucking wall and I refuse to lett anybody in anymore. You fuck me up. And I just can't be fucked. Every male out of friendship is a downright fucking cunt. All the same. All use, cheat, play fucking games, act like kids. I. Am. Fucking. DONE!!
  My head hurts. Why can't I just be numb? Always. Guess what because I have a fucking illness that limits my fucking life or I'd just go out by myself. But taxis cost a bomb, I can't get buses no more without getting a fucking migraine.
  My illnesses really fucking suck. I just wanna be rich, wanna get out there. What am I supposed to do when I can't fucking work more than I do and even two nights can kill me off. And then withot my fucking Facebook I have less people paying me (findom) and less people buying clips because my Instagram and Twitter where never as big as my Facebook was. I wish to hell I could sue Facebook, they deserve it. I haven't much of a life without it, barely spoken to anyone. Not allowed dating sites which just fucking proves I am clearly meant to be 'single for life'.
 The only things that honestly do give me a little bit of happiness are firstly, my cats, honestly they are honestly only reason I have stayed here for so fucking long. My furfamily. I have 7 cats. Crazy cat lady. But they 100% do beat humans. Humans are nasty creatures. I don't know why decent people don't exist anymore, they just pretty much don't. And the ones that are decent? They'll end up fucked up too eventually. Humans break humans. Over and over. Endless cycles and loops all the time... sad, but yet so fucking true.
  Money is also another happiness for me. If I was rich, I honestly would not give a fuck about being so alone. Buying things makes me happy. It's why I don't intend to stop being a Financial Dommec and selling clips. I actually find it fun, keeps me occupied every so often. Oh and, not much money problems now. It's good to be able to go out if I want too and if I do go out I can afford the taxi... that sort of stuff. Into findom? Check previous posts and my social media for ways to pay and keep me happy! :)!
  Literally done fuck all this week, and since nobody wants to fucking see me I doubt I will not for a long ass time. I go out on Sundays and probably now on Thursdays if I can... nothing else to do. But I do need some payers, I tend to spend like £100... and I'm still fucking sober. I miss the days I was a lightweight! All I drink these days are shots, and I'm still standing. I get a tiny hangover... but it's mainly just alcohol and illnesses don't fucking go! Maybe I should be an alcoholic. My mind is numb. I'm on my own but surrounded by people. I'm not so sad. I even can't eat after drinking so I'd lose weight... blah.
  I wish I wasn't so fucking broken you know. I keep being told 'you'll find someone' 'someone is out there' 'someone will fix you'. Bullsht, utter fucking bullshit. I honestly don't believe it no more. I can't. I won't. I've been let down too much, hurt too much. And my mind just isn't set for anymore hurting. Honest. I've been a broken girl, in so many pieces, unloved, for so fucking long... and everyone still continues to hurt me, play with my mind, fuck me over, all of it. Like just leave me alone everyone. One more bad thing to happen that tears me up will probably mean the end of me. I mean. I'm already so fucking close as it is. I sit here and think 'what the fuck is the point of my life at all'. I'm ill. I can't work. I'm a burden. I'm fucking useless.
  I wish this thing, force, whatever blatantly working against me to make my life utter shit would just leave me alone and let me actually grasp happiness instead of giving me a glimpse then tearing it away and leaving me even more broken then before. Just let me have what I ask for. Ha. I see cheats, awful people, murderes, rapists, they all end up happy if they're not caught, and sometimes even when they are... like shit, what the fuck. Do I have to be such an evil, sadistic cunt to be happy? Because the nice ones... all we get is fucking bullshit.

  Ugh, whatever. Thanks for reading my rambling ons. If you read them. Goodnight. (Even though insomnia will keep me up till 3am!).

Friday, 21 July 2017

A little bit of everything, all the hurt.

  Okay, most stories always have a 'happy ending'. Mine doesn't have that, but I would like to show people my story and struggles and hopefully people in the world won't feel so alone. Me too. Maybe. 

  I have CFS/ME. Depression. And IBS. All of which need to be made more aware of in the world, especially CFS not many know what it is. And to be honest, I have it, but even I don't fully understand. It can be hard work, and my case is only mild. For now. Steadily getting worse. Depression and IBS come with the CFS. There are many symptoms of CFS - here is a link that I found which best describes it - https://www.mesupport.co.uk/index.php?page=the-symptoms-of-m-e -
So I have a feeling. I have had this illness forever, why? I know I got more tired. I'd have to go bed super early be able get up in the morning for school, but even then it it would be a struggle, but then it steadily got worse and still is getting worse. I researched before going to the doctors, and I just knew I had it, at the time When it first got even worse, I worked full time and part time, I just split from an ex of mine, and this was around 2 & a half years ago. I had to change my doctors, and even now I refuse male doctors because every one of them said I was a liar and all sorts! I finally got my official diagnosis around January 2016... and I was happy that I was right, but gutted, there is no real cure or help, not really. I got referred to an ME clinic, but I stopped going. They just told me to wake up earlier and don't nap... but that is what I struggled with. I know my body better, I know what i can and can't do. I pace myself because I don't know if I could mentally cope being even worse, but at the same time my illness is slowly getting worse. I work part time now, and at first I was okay, but now even that has started to hurt me. I work at a bar in town and I love my job, it has just started to effect me. I will get home and my IBS flares up then I am unable to even sleep till around 11am! It would be nice to have a cure. It really would. Depression, it is an illness most people know of, but it also need consideration and talked about more, it is okay to admit you are not okay, it is an illness and I have fought it from high school. Always the one who is bullied and the loner, and I don't know I went through a lot and my depression just has never gone. People with depression need to be aware of that, it's not nice feeling so alone! 

  Ever since high school I have been bullied, I am now 24 and to this day I still get online trolls every day! In high school I started at one school, and for the first year I stayed there before moving to the next school- but got bullied at both schools. In the first year I was called Anorexic (I never used to put on weight), and dumbo (for big ears). Especially by one guy who started it off then everybody else continued it. It was hard work. But then i moved school... and I guess for a couple years it was okay- the same group of people etc, but then it changed the group split, some became popular. Me? I was a nobody and hung around with whatever person i could find... I was bullied then again too. I liked the guys in the year above, so I'd speak to one, but then I used to overtext, so I got the name 'stalker' everytime someone walked past me they would shout stalker, making me even more friendless. I was bullied by pretty much everyone. and no friends. It sucked. After leaving school, I joined Facebook like everyone else but rarely used it. Lived in my own bubble. Started College and finished and was kind of popular then. Then came the abuse (next paragraph) and I started University... where the bullies hit me at full force again, making me leave University. I was a loner there too. And then, the online trolls started. Using Facebook more etc, and I had a 'popular online presence' I spoke my mind etc, my photos were quite sexy, loads of comments and likes etc, had reached the friend limit, and then had thousands of followers... and that attracted the online trolls. Which still goes on, but I have become immune to it in a way. People trying to belittle me online, calling me all sorts, threatening to 'do me in'. But that's all they are online trolls. So I ignore it now. Doesn't bother me. I get lots of trolls, for me not caring, speaking my mind on statuses, my photos, even petty things like my tattoos because of me not following the crowds and getting ink that means something to me! But I know out there, there are plenty of people who aren't as strong and bullies get to them. So this part of my story I want to tell because if you're bullied you are not alone, choose to ignore it. Keep your head high. Even if you're alone like I am, just try to be strong. They just don't like themselves, jealousy, etc... stay strong. I got removed from Facebook, because of this bullies. Which is wrong as hell. They reported me and bullied me and said stuff like telling me to go and die... yet Facebook had disabled my account, won't reply to my appeals, yet these bullies are still on Social Media. They still say stuff about me too! I wanted Facebook to be able to keep in touch and stuff. Now I have never felt so alone. Pretty much don't speak to anyone. But what can I do. Facebook wrongly removed me, ignored my appeals, and there is mo way to get in touch!

  I have been in love 3 times properly. And I have never been loved. That thought is kind of a heartbreak in itself, to love but not be loved is hard. I never got over my first ex fully (the abusive one, coming up soon!). So when I got with the second ex I wasn't mentally okay. But I did love again. And things point to that he never loved me. I mean he got with someone one week after... it says it all! The third guy? He was my ex best mate. Used me when I was vulnerable, and then mugged me off and completely cut me off. So not only did I get used... I lost my best friend! That hurt. Not only this love three times and not being loved back... I have no real friends, I don't have much family who care about me either. And guys? Guys forever mess me around. In the end it's making me stronger, but I am building walls up. I don't bother anymore with many people. Loneliness and being aone, both different, both the same, but both heartbreaking...

  Okay. So everyone's stories are always about psychical abuse. But mental abuse is just as brutal! I have never gotten over this. And I don't know if I ever will. I met my first ex working in town at a different bar to what I am at now. I was a shot seller and he kept coming over and wouldn't leave me alone. I thought what have I got to lose? And gave him my number. We went on a date in the week, then next week? We decided to already be in a relationship. We moved fast. And it wasn't long before the mental abuse started. One time i left my phone on the side and came back into the room? My ex said 'someone has messaged you' I looked and it was a guy from the past... messaging me. And then my ex was giving me abuse saying I was a slag etc, I should have clicked walk away, but I was already in too deep. I just snapped my sim card and was like I'm changing my number then. He was still angry. But yeah. There was another time when he went theough my phone and saw an old photo of some guy who sent me a naked photo... honestly forgot about it. But yeah, he went into a rage then. After that it was little things, I was still in college at the time and he used to always check on my Facebook when I was there (I had to give him my log in details), and eventually I just deleted Facebook, yet he kept his. When I left College he didn't want me to work (no longer had my weekend job). And he'd belittle me constantly about university because he didn't want me to go but I was going too. Once we went on a night out with his friends, and I didn't really drink, but he made me and I only had one drink, then he was telling me off because I don't like dancing so didn't want to go dance, so he moodily sat with me saying all sorts of mean names, I ended up throwing up in the toilet, and we left, and he was annoyed at that too because he had to pay £50 in taxi fares. When we went Blackpool Pleasure Beach once. He picked up a fight because I didn't wanna go on the big one. But then he made me go on the ride that shoots up and I was crying... he bought that photo, so he clearly loved me crying. When we went paintballing for his birthday I kept getting stuck so said I didn't want to take part no more, just watch, he almost went mental at me then, but then his mates thankfully stopped him. Don't think they realised he was abusive though. The last straw was a holiday we was there and I couldn't walk out the hotel room without being told I was 'dressing like a whore for all the lads' and I was wearing sunglasses to look at other guys. He became ill and was hospitalised for a night, and then he was okay again, but I was ill but I was a bitch because K didn't wanna go on a night out due to being unwell. He went out, even though I stayed with him at hospital. I legit just stayed in the hotel room to avoid being argued with. But he'd disappear to the computers for Facebook etc. When we returned off this holiday he was mithering and pestering me to let him on my emails and I was like 'no point though, I don't use it' but he kept going on, and because there was an automed email saying some guy was trying to contact me on kik... he went mental again. I quickly logged out and he said 'log back in or we're done'. I just snapped then, I was done, so I walked away, before it happened to turn psychical, but it still effects me to this day, I still think 'what if'. I still even wish I was still with him. I'm not over him, nor do i think I will be. This part needs to also be told because emotional abuse hurts just as much as psychical... but isn't talked about. 

  So this part is about Financial Domination, what I do for money other than my bar work, because I don't get much money for two nights a week. I also don't want didability until I am worse... as it is very hard to claim for my illness. Even more so because I am actually working part time I'd struggle to get it. Financial Domination is 'Financially dominating someone for their wallet'. Most of the time guys pay for nothing. They are the best ones. But there are guys who want stuff and there are a lot of 'fetishes'. I've only ever done sexy photos, or humiliating a guy. That is self-explanatory. Humiliating a guy, basically taking the mick out of them or their penises. It's weird but yes it does exist! I have seen more f'fetishes' through other Dommes work, such as sissification- making a guy dress in womens clothes, chastity- locking a guy up in a chastity device- I've even seen some guy be told to sit in a nappy every day and keep the same one etc even after pooing! There is so much more- very weird. I've done this for about a year and half. And I also started to sell clips too around 8 months ago. As I saw other 'Dommes' doing it. And in the end I do make good money from them so kept them up. I'm not bothered about what I do, so I am probably the only Domme who admits to it and doesn't hide behind an alias. Besides, even if I did I would end up getting found out... my tattoos are extremely unique. I did try camming before this findom stuff- but waiting around wasn't my thing, amd I was under an alias there... and I got found out. Do i get naked on the clips? Yeah, and like I said not bothered. The price varies on what the clip or photo entails, but I do make good money which helps me look after my cats, and give money to my mum, and just to make myself better by spending because of my lack of life. Before I started I would worry. Would never be able to do anything. But now I can. Even if my illness makes me crash! Some people who have wrote to magazines etc leave out the most vital part of Financial Domination, it is easy money... but it also isn't. Unless you are hugely popular you can go times without anything. Which is why i started the clips. That was a decent payout... till I lost my Facebook. And I only have Instagram, Twitter, fetish sites to advertise myself! You need patience in this game. You can't expect money right away. And if you do don't lose that patience because it won't last. 


  I have no happy ending and I don't know what will happen next, what hurt I will experience next, because nothing ever goes good for me, I have never been happy, and I have come to believe I will never find a 'special someone'. But at the same time deep deep deep down, I'm hoping I'm wrong. Maybe my life will get better. I will finally have decent friends, I will find someone who actually likes me and doesn't abuse me or think of me as a burden (even though I am). And maybe my illnesses stop getting worse and getting better. I started to write a book, I want to finish this book, a fantasy book. And I also want to write a book about all my hurts and pains. If I don't have any happiness it's okay. By now I got used to it, and gotten used to being let down. Having nobody, nothing.

Thursday, 20 July 2017

Mentally numb again. But still getting more and more symptoms.

  So it's been a couple days... but I finally am mentally numb again. I hate hate hate it when the depression side crashes. It's awful. But it's just what it is. It's just another illness that I have to live with. Another illness that won't just go. As much as people like to think that. Depression. It's fucking brutal. I woudln't wish it on anyone. Not really. To sit there day in day out and hating myself, hating life, and struggling to genuinely unable to cope with my CFS/ME.
  I know that I am lucky in the fact that my illness is currently only mild... and that I am only able to work weekends. But it's more than some people with my condition can do. And I know one day if my illness continues to go the way it does... then I will not be allowed to work no more at all. Not even those two nights. And that completely scares the shit out of me.
  Me working part time is a little bit of relief for all my mental bullshit... I mean I'm finally out of the house after having 5 days stuck in my room, stuck in bed. I'm also thankful that I am able to work out. Even if it isn't always every day, all the time, like I wish I could... I know if I pushed myself more though, I just know my illness would progress quite quickly. I mean, it is slowly going worse, I can feel it, like I go out for the day. And then the day after? I can't move so much. Feel hungover, so much pain, so much tiredness. God my illnesz, it's hard to describe to you all... especially if you haven't got it yourself. It's hard work. And as I always say I only have it mild.
  To those who have CFS/ME and it's moderate or severe. My thoughts go out to you, like you are strong. In my own way i'm strong too... i'm still here. Even though deep down I don't want to be here. But I still am. I'm fighting my illnesses. I'm fighting myself. I'm trying to be strong. Just sometimes I'm not strong.
  Today has been a really bad day CFS/ME wise. In it's own way. The pain is quite bad, I'm exhausted, but as always not sleeping at night because of the Insomnia, I didn't keep nothing in my stomach till about 5pm, which drained me even more. I took a nap. To feel a little better. But yeah... probably be up all night. My bones are aching which means my pain really is bad, because I normally just have muscle pain really. My knees hurt, my hips hurt, my collarbones... on top of the constant pain. Oh and a migraine. I've been getting these more and more... always when I am trying to live! Fuck you illnesses. Seriously, fuck you!'
  I seem to be taking more and more pain pills, whatever I can get my hands, always more than 2, because 2 never fucking work anymore. It's why I drink too. It's so fucking nice to feel pain free... then all of a sudden I'm worse because of thencomedown from the alcohol. Why isn't there a cure, no real help? Please can someone make this happen. Don'r think anyone understands the pain... my arms can ache and I have to lean my arms on stuff to be able to read, hold stuff, even doing my makeup I have to lean and/or lie down putting makeup on.
  I'm fed up of getting let down and hurt me, like honestly. People think I don't give guys chances if they're not muscle men, but I do. I am picky as fuck though still regardless. Honestly, why are guys constantly acting like little fucking boys? I don't want to be single for life... but it's making it more and more fucking obvious that I will be single for life. A tough thought. An awful thought Which would be made easier... if I had friends, family, people getting me out, keeping me occupied.., but I don't not really. Fuck you people for being cunts hahaha.
  One thing I ask myself all the time is... 'why the fuck am I not good enough'. Because it seems to be the case. I am also 100% a lucky charm. People meet me. But it never gets over the 1 month mark, before some cunt I'm seeing turns to me and says 'I've met someone else'. It proper hurts. Just when i'm starting to let someone in they turn to me and tear me to bits all over again. And I sit here and think why the fuck am i giving chances? I should just simply not anymore. And tbh I don't think i will... I don't think I can anymore haha.
  At least I have cats hey. Seven now. My newest furbaby is a boy I think, Bella's and Blue's baby, and he is being called Cudi. If it turns out to be a girl then Rosie. I'm sure it's a boy though, utterly adorable. I can't wait for him to open his eyes. Happens soon. One little thing to look forward too ey.
  I really need to start writing again me, I mean I've done so much of my book, why the fuck am I not finishing it, and doing the others I want to do?! I need to get them done. I mean, I have no life anyway so it'd fill up time won't it?!
  Like... I honestly have no life. I beg anyone and everyone to come out. But nobody ever does. Unless it involves alcohol. So I do it because well, nothing else do. I don't work. So who cares if I'm worse for a week. Not like I'll be going anywhere, doing anything... I have nobody to see, nothing to do. It's shite. Super shite. Why am I in a place where there are no decent people?! There isn't any at all. I'm surround by dumb, selfish, jealous, dramatic people who constantly fucking spy on me... one good thing without Facebook that. Still want my account back. Fuck you Facebook! Even started a petition because I'm not the only person Facebook disabled then won't reply to the fucking appeals. Rats arses.
  I have so many DVDs and books me... like I said though. No life. My life consists of reading, working weekends, rewatching tv shows, cuddling cats, having conversations with my cats and myself... my life is fucking lonely being completely alone. That point was random haha.

  Thanks for reading. If you've read. Just a jumbled in the mind cunt.

Tuesday, 18 July 2017

Lost.

  Okay. So I know I've already blogged today, but fuck me. I am utterly fucking broken this week. I think I should work full time, then I can be too ill to even think or function, maybe being more ill will be the death of me. And quite frankly, that would be grwat for me right now. Why? Because it just would. When you have no mates, family, and blatantly destined to be alone.
  It sucks. I'm not just sat here moaning. People, you've no idea what i have been through and go through. The turmoils of loneliness. The turmoils of being alone. And I am not just saying that either. I really don't. My family pretty much all fucked off a long time ago. Don't speak to them or see them. If they saw me they'd probably run away or some shit like that. Not a lie! No mates. I mean if I had mates I'd be okay. People to vent too, do things with, get out the fucking house. You get me? Obviously as I always say... I'm single forever. And this is a true fact. And I believe it. Because every time I tru to meet someone, give someone a chamce. I just get let down. Utterly and completely. Why do I let guys in my life? I don't need to anymore, I shouldn't. There isn't any point. I'm never going to find anyone. I am never gonna be not alone or lonely. Heads mash. I can't do this anymore. I don't know how much longer I will let myself live and fight... but I just don't have much fight left in anymore. Why? Just can't. Just can't do this.
  I like pretty much cry every day... who would want to live a life like this? Crying all the time, talking to myself or cats, no human interaction, and if I allow human interaction I just get hurt and fucked over. Like seriously? What did I do to deserve so much bad luck? I have never experiemced any good luck, nothing good happens to me. I never have anyone in my life to spend it with, make me feel less alone.
  I gave myself a limit. And I just know and see nothing good will happen. Nothing will change. I try, and I try, and it just does never work. I will be dead this time next year. Because I hate life, I hate living, I can't live, I am so alone, too lonely, and life is just getting ridiculous.
  In the back of my mind Imm just like this is the depression, and it is, but I'm beginning to think bad more and more, I'm affected more and more by life and it's shit that it hands me. I've been strong for so long... so fucking long I just don't know how long I can do this.
  One thing I've realised is that I am unloveable, I fell in love three times, they never felt the same. Both my exes never loved me, or they wouldn't have moved in after like 3 fucking days. I hope you're reading this. You're both cunts. And I know that you never felt the way I did. It took me a long time to move on but youse both moved on very fucking quick. In fact. I know the one for 8 months cheated with his bird before we split and they got together. Would mot surprise me in slightest if the other ex was the same way. I mean if you really loved me you could not have moved on as fast. The other guy i shouldn't of let myself get attached but I did. I hate all three of you, I hope you all get some of the bad luck you fucking deserve. Take mine. :').
  I just want to be happy. But yeah, I know I will never have love, real mates, family, etc... for me my happiness would be money... and cats. If I was rich I would have no dilemma, it'd be a fuck you to the fucking world, try and travel, get a cure for my illness, make facebook shut down, live on island with cats and a bunch of sex toys... humans are a disgrace. I have never really had real genuine people in my life like ever.
  I am fed up. Fed up of living. Fed up of being fucking strong when I'm not so strong anymore. I'm really not. I'm really fucking not. Fuck this.
  I wanted to blog again because I've spent like an hour crying my eyes out. It's unfair. It is unfair. I can't. I won't. Fighting is no fun. Crying daily. Fighting daily. Why do I bother? Like seriously. I wish I was rich... spending money right now would make me so fucking happy.
  I should pill myself up with alot of pills to sleep. I have a migraine again. I hate my mind. I hate my life. I would gladly give life to someone who deserve it more than me. Because I deserve nothing. I mean in fact, I have nothing, nobody, yeah I got my life, but like I said I'd gladly give it to someone else. With my illnesses , I'm a fucking burden it's a good job I'm so fucking unwanted! Because who would wanna live with me when it limits my fucking life?!?! Blah!
  I guess I'm thankful for my cats, and my recent non struggle for money. The cat game is strong. 7 cats now. To me they are my kids. I never want kids, ever. I feel no need like every other female who's out there. I mean I'm 24. Most people this age, younger even hve about 6 kids- all with different dads. It's like how can you not use correct protection to stop that?! A woman is not put on the planet just to pop out bratty kids... humanity has fucked it anyway!! And money, I mean not getting as many Findom pigs, or Clips sales without Facebook. Hopefully Facebook allows me one day to bloody to rejoin. Absolute joke that they won't let me!

  Anyhow. Doubt anyone reads. But if you do... sorry for being so down. I do try to be okay you know. It just doesn't wanna happen for me.

Goodnight.