Sunday, 19 March 2017

Dark Thoughts. Lonely. Alone.

  I don't know why, but I've been in such a dark place in like a few months now, I just seem to forever get worse. And I hate living this way. In actual fact I'm not living. I can't anymore. I see no reason. And my illnesses limit me as well, making it even worse for me.
  I always go on about my CFS/ME, I know I do. But it does need more awareness being a silent illness, it really annoys me and gets me down. Why the fuck have I got this when people who have hurt others etc and don't deserve to be happy, are just that... happy and fucking healthy?!
  Like shit, it isn't fair. Life isn't fair. It isn't good, it's a pile of shit.

  In all seriousness it would be awesome to meet Kid Cudi. He would totally help me, because well he does anyway with his music, but hey that's another thing that isn't gonna happen. And yep. That is totally a random statement in the middle of this, reason is because I'm in one of my shit moods, and yep Cudi is on. I love the guy. He is totally unappreciated though, just because he stuck to him, not followed the crowds, he still isn't known. 'Fake fans' who say the old stuff is only good annoy me. Learn to love the other stuff like a real fucking fan.

  Okay. Back to the shitty subject anyhow (as you can tell I'm just typing when the thoights come even if they are fucking random, but hey that's me).
  I miss being caarefree, but at the same time I have never been fully carefree. I've been depressed since I was about 11, starting High School. It's hard work, it's tough, constantly fighting my own head. Not like I have enough bullshit to get through anyway!
  My depression started from the bullying. First high school, being called Dumbo, and anorexic, big ears, and I couldn't put weight on... laughing now, I'm a fucking chunk who can't lose my goddamn curves! But my ears, still hate them, hence the short hair, they cover it as my hair is thin, long hair still had them peek through, shorter hair is so much better you know.
  I don't even know if anyone will even read this post, or even read it all, just a tiny bit, I really hope if you start to read, you fully read it, I have such a complicated fucking mind.
  I was bullied in the second High School, I never got any attention either back then. Leaving High School followed me getting attention, but the weong attention, starting that male hate of mine... like males haven't even changed the older I have got, older I go for they're still awful game playing rats! I wish males could be faithful and stuff...
  When I got my first boyfriend I guess I was a little better mentally, but at the same time not so much since he totally mentally fucked me over, and it still affects me today, I think about what I did wrong, was it my fault, all that bullshit, when at the same time it's a good thing I left before things got pyshical. (Read The Truth somewhere on that to get the full low down on that).
  My second boyfriend, I've come to realise everything was my fault. I am too mentally fucked. I couldn't hold a relationship. And in my eyes I still can't... I am fully broken. But I do try to let a male in, just to get hurt.
  I've been hurt so much... that my mental state is that I have fully given up with males. No point in trying anymore. They just want one thing only and fuck off, wether or not I make the horrible creatures wait or not. Yes. I fully completley hate males. They are okay as mates. They're okay to chill with before the sex and when I get chucked...it's unfair.

  Annoys me when people get all sexist on my arse though, I deserve nobody because of what I do, because of my photos. Why? If I was famous doing the shit I do I'd get away with it, or a model... even a fucking pornstar I probably wouldn't even get as much shit, because guys send me money for fuck all (read the Financial Domination post), and aso selling clips online. I mean who cares?! I can't work much anymore, I make money my way, at least i am not relying on the Government, not until I realy need too anyway.
  I guess males are also soft cunts, they can not handle a woman who is comfortable, makes money and does not have to rely on the guy they are dating/seeing/with. It'd also be okay to post a photo like I do if it was a bikini... but never underwear. It's also okay for males, not for females? No I don't fucking think so. Sexist people, get with the times. It's 2017 now guys. Get with it.

  I dunno why blogging helps but it does. Crying typing getting it all out seemes to help, even though no one probably reads, like I said, ah well. It helps me, that is all that matters.
  I'm just fed up of this dark place, I honestly have no reason to live. Nobody gives a fuck, I reached out to people not so long back, to people I thought gave a fuck, and what happened? I continued to get ignored, I hate it. I hate being ignored. I hate having no real friends. I hate being alone.
  I have friends sure, but to me they are not really there for me, because they really aren't. I wish they would be but they're not. I'm too nice me, I would help them at a drop of a hat... me? I have to pay for their company and attention 95% of the time.
  I'm so alone. I'm so lonely. No friends. No family. And I am going to be single for life, no I'm not just saying that, I truly believe that. Do not tell me to think positive, I am realist. Males play games. And being with another woman is not for me. Yes I've tried, but it's a no. The planet needs a clearout, revert back to the olden times, in the sense when people are faithful. Not even lying right now!

  I don't know what happiness is. I've never truly been there. I've been in love, and that isn't happiness. Even if I do miss love, that shit will never happen again. I'm too broken to put up with bullshit, and as I said... males play games.
  Sorry for hating males, but I've been fucked over way too much to care. I do give chances, and I just get fucked over again.

  Why do i deserve all this bullshit? The only thing that does not affect me is people bullshitting about me. You're all petty weirdos, who need to focus on your life not mine. I don't even know who 95% of you are, you come up to me crying for forgiveness, to be unblocked some of you and it's hilarious I haven't a fucking clue who the fuck you are...
  But all these horrible people in the world get happiness, they get to have someone to spend time with, they have family, they have freinds who DO give a shit, they get to be healthy and not have to spend days in bed just so they're okay to work two nights a week (like me).

  If you've fully read my post, well done! Sorry if I depress you, I just am so lost. I genuinely do not want to be here anymore. And to be honest I do not see myself making it another year since my life is an endless loop of nothing, boredom, loneliness, rejectin, being alone, having nobody, going insane...

  Would you miss me? Maybe. For a week. Then you'd get over it. But most of you won't miss me. I'm a complicated mind, complicated person, I'm lost, ill, broken, and accordingly don't deserve to be happy...

I shouldn't be here, goodnight.

Monday, 27 February 2017

Moods are ever changing.

  My doctors suck, that is true. They constantly get rid of the women ones all the goddamn time! I find a good one and boom they go. I've been kinda numb, but just now, boom, my mood is back down. I'm so lost. So alone. And life isn't fair.
  All those people who have fucked me over, but they don't have unhappiness. They all seem to be happy, loved up, perfect lives etc! They really do not deserve it! I hope some of you fucktards are reading this, I hope you feel guilt for treating me badly, I hope it eats you up so everything begins to fuck up for you too. Don't even care anymore.
  I've been through way to much bullshit to even care about anything anymore. Honestly. I have a lot of hate still, I tried to let it go but I'm constantly faced with other peoples happiness, while I never get happiness, never smile truthfully, just sadness, and tears over here. But it's always been the case, and it will never chance. Other people are too fucking horrible. Creatures!
  In a perfect world I'll be somewhere else, not in this horrible area which breeds cunts, I dunno why people are so horrible, abusive, incosiderate but they are. Also fake 'gossip' gets round before you've even walked a step, its a joke.
  I'm 24 soon, and I'm still at a loss.
  On another note, the 'Financial Domination' side of things have improved though! At last. Sort of. Still just mini payments here and there but it'll be going to my ink days and my Birthday... only things I look forward too. Honestly don't think I'd be around after this year if things don't get better.
  People always drone on saying only I can help myself, blah blah fucking blah. That clearly isn't the case... I have fucking tried. I've tried be positive, hopeful, but forever just being fucked over, so why should I keep trying? No. I'm a realist. I've accepted I won't ever find anyone, won't ever be happy, maybe not even be here much longer, sad, but very, very true.
  To make things even worse right now my illness is getting worse... I have always had the muscle pain, tiredness, etc, but now more and more symptoms are happening... like my joint pin is now increasing, bearable like the muscle pain, well almost. My hip pain is extremely bad! I'm stressed about my birthday, stressed at my illness being worse, which in turns makes me even worse, how unfair and shit does life want to be... really?!
  I'm still lonely. I'm still alone. I don't think that will ever change anyway.

  I really hate myself for feeling shit all the time. Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be happy? Life fucking sucks, and I don't want to be here.

Sunday, 19 February 2017

Bad thoughts. I wish I could do it.

  Life is no good. It really isn't. What exactly do I have to live for? Nothing in the slightest. It's a ballache. I have no real mates. I have no decent family. I get fucked around by every male that comes into my life then they wonder why I give up and don't bother.
  I'm fed up of seeing lovey dovey bullshit on Social Media. It's just a knife to the heart. I want that. I want someone. But let's face it. For someone like me that will never actually happen. Guys cannot be faithful. They cannot just have one girl. They cannot be nice. They cannot give me attention. I have to beg for replies, i have to beg for attention. Well from guys neat me anyway. The guys that do give me attention? Far, far away. How unfair is life.
  My 'friends' don't message me. They ignore me also. I have to pay for friendships. I have to also pester them for replies too. It's a fucking ballache.
  I don't have family.
  But like I should be used to this. It's always been this way pretty much... so why the fuck is my head just fucked up with its fucking depression, if it wasn't I would be able to fucking accept this loneliness. That fact that I will never have anyone in life. Relationships or friends.

  I wish I had the balls to give up completely. Death scares me. And that is the ONLY REASON I am here. The endless nothingness. But I will be pushed over soon. I mean why wouldn't I? I have nothingness in life too. I sleep, I eat, I sleep, I wat, I work weekends. AND THAT IS ALL. If I wanna go out I have to pay. I have the occasional date.. but never hear from them again.
  I wish I was dead. So many people would even be happy about it.

Wednesday, 1 February 2017

Financial Dominatrix.

  I thought I would do another post about what I do. How I got into this. Etc. You know the gst. I'm bored. Felt like blogging! ;). People in my hometown think they know what I do personally have their negative views etc, but I reckon it's because they wish they could do it. In fact. I know it is. A few of them have told me so... they just choose to publically humiliate & bully me instead. I honestly don't give a fuck though. Won't stop and let the bullies stop me from being me! Huh.
  Okay. So how did I start being a Findomme? It came to me. Someone asked to send me gifts off a wishlist on Instagram, I obviously agreed. He wanted a little SPH in return, otherwise he just liked to talk to me every so often. But then he disappeared. But I already had my taste... and I was hooked. I liked getting gifts! So I started to advertise myself more. My next slave was also off Instagram, I hadn't really started with Twitter just yet, but yeah, and his fetish? Was ball busting. So he paid me money, and sent me gifts. While I told him how to hit himself in the dick or the balls, and how hard, how many times... etc... thus getting more of a taste for more and more.... and then started the Financial Domination regularly. I used Instagram and Twitter for most of the time.
  How do I start my clips selling? I started about 6 or 7 months ago. I see Dommes posting all the time.. and I though why the hell not?! And that is how it took off. Findom related clips, worship clips, or strip teases. And these clips sell quite well. Make either just under or just over a grand. And I love the money. Being able not to worry is fun! At the moment my clips haven't sold, even after two mew ones today! Step up the game! Get buying! I have had no complaints. People have loved my clips... I bet you would too! (Iwantclips -- Abbyy36).
  Would I ever stop doing what I do? Maybe, if I could stop and not worry about money. Since I can't work I only work part time. Why can't I work? I have CFS/ME. Though I physically look okay. Mentally and physically I actually am not. In a nutshell, I am always in pain, and tired. But there are so many other things to do with it, so unfair on me. I wish I never had it! But back to subject... I would stop if I had another way to be financially okay. Dole is a no, you have to be abke to work & look for a job. Obviously I can't. If anything I would need disability, but because of my illness being a 'silent illness' it would be hard work to get it. Hopefully in the future I will be able to if I really needed it. I like the money the clips & Findom gets me. Who wouldn't?! But only if I was able to get money elsewhere, or find someone rich, would I ever stop. I may look like a golddigger, but you can't live without money, not really. So there's your answer.
  What have I done? What do I do? I have done many things when it comes to financial domination. My fetish? It is simply money. You get slaves ask all the time what is my Fetish... and it is honestly, simpy money. I mean nothing else could humanly turn me on more than money does. Maybe that's why my sex drive is constant hahaha! The best slaves are those who pay, and they do not ask for a fucking thing back... now they are the best! Most my subs who have contacted me have been those. That ask for nothing in return. So yeah, when I say I do fuck all for the money. I really do! But there have been the mini sessions I have... the main ones I have had experience with is ball busting, chastity, a lot of  humiliation, etc. Quite some more too... But I constantly advertise to do more, sissification, chastitiy, etc... but like I say. I like the ones who just gift and send money all the time. I like long term relationships with subs, but the ones i have obviously got scared and disappeard after a while.. obviously pussied out on being ruined more! You should become my sub if you're reading this. Get those regular payments in! ;).
  Another thing people assume around where I am... is that it's pervy old men that buy things and send money... I mean how is it pervy to quite simply send me money? It isn't. Little fuck retards where I am. But you will know this already if you read my old posts! Haha. Also, it's normally my age, just a little younger, or just a little older. Not mant have been 'old men' and I know why. Without any offense, but those that are older... they don't like tattoos, don't believe in them, old school fuckers. And look at me. I'm inked up, so many tattoos, and so many to come! Also, people in my area have gifted and sent money, you'd be surprised at how many I have actually made weak to spend on me. All these guys others would think are normal, but call them weird if they knew about it. Also my clips? Bought by most people around here... also I know a few around here who have bought every clip I have ever uploaded... I have about 70! Ha.
  Why is my name still mine? Why am i so open about it? The answer is quite simple. Well, answers. Like I said, Financial Domination came to me, not me going out there willy nilly trying, like every other fucker! So my fan base came from me being me in the first place. Why bother hiding?! Another reason? My ink. It's pretty unique. You know, not being a sheep and all that, I probably would have been found anyway! I'm also open because even though they talk shit about me publicly trying to bully and humiliate me... most my fan base is also from around here, like I've said. So this why!
  For anyone trying to get into this? My advice. Don't bother if it don't come naturallt, if you are not patient. You will not last. You really won't. Unless you have thousands of actual paying pigs, the payments are very up and down. Hence the patience. And if it doessn't come naturally there is there no point, I mean you just won't get anything. And like i said. Will not last!

  This is the end of this post. But may I add that this is fucking annoying at the moment. Yet again just full of timewasters, and no clip sales! You need to up your games. The place for the worst timewasting pigs though? Twitter. In my long time of being a Findomme. Only about a handful have paid off Twitter. The rest where mainly off Instagram and Twitter. So yeah, Twitter is the worst for it. Little losers if you're off there reading this, you're pointless. Nothing comes for free. Not even a chat. Payment is expected right away!

  Anyway. Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, 31 January 2017

People in the Wigan & Leigh Area need to grow up.

  For all you who know me, know that I am a victim of online abuse, threatening, and bullying. And to be quite frank this post is because recently it's stressing me out and upsetting me and also, my side of things, you know. The RIGHT side of things. I won't mention no names, but it may be obvious about who is who and to be quite honest, I don't care, I'm done with it the pettyness.
  The time before this time (past week), I got abuse for commenting on a status, getting shit, and rather than take the abuse I block. I saw a status on my feed, I commented something generalised, completely related to this status. What happens next is the 'fiance' decides to pipe up trying to give me blatant abuse... clearly nothing but jealousy and feeling threatened because why else would she kick off to something like that?! Exactly. So her mate decides to start commenting abuse on my shit... when she isn't even on my goddamn friends. Utter wankers. I block her too. Which leads her to write a status saying 'i am now on the Abby Lewis blocklist'... the comments to this were fucking awful, one persoon saying I should be dead, just all sorts of bullying, which is getting sent to me, I kept everything as evidence. I still have the evidence too. But it was all unneeded, all unfair, just for blocking rather than let little minds abuse me. They also posted a naked video of me too... where is the right in all this?! there is not. It is petty and childish!
  Okay, so this recent time, it was all because someone came in to where I work, she left a bag unattended(keeps saying she never but she really did, cctv has it, dj witnessed it, so did staff). She then has the audacity to blame the workplace that it was our fault, and we never helped, when CCTV was checked and staff members looked, so yeah. I wrote a generalised status, no names etc as meny people lose bags and blame staff. But this certain someone decides to inbox me giving me abuse, threating me. I replied a little then i just couldn't be bothered no more and blocked her. I was going to leave it. But then she got her friend to start stalking my pists writing shit, and then she decides to (the friend) to rate my workplace irrelvant bullshit all about me. I mean sure me I can handle. But bring in others? My workplace? You deserve to be named and shamed. So I posted it all online, my status, their comments, the threats, the review. With a very long detailed post at what REALLY was going on... so after this, this little girl decides to get everyone report me, get her silly little friends to give me abuse too... all indirect now. After I got my Facebook block I made a new Facebook, as I needed to get in touch with people I hadn't the number of a few people you know? So yeah. Which brings me to the next fucking abuse.
  I saw a status written from a guy who ALWAYS comments shit about me, he wrote a status like 'I see Slaggy Lewis is making trouble again' irrelevant, idiocy. So I looked at the comments, one of the first ones was a woman who was about 40, saying nasty things, cmon, nearly ober half my fucking age? And she is getting involved? Legit seems this area will not grow up! I commented on this status saying he should say it to my face, have the decency to actually inbox me, not publicly bully me. And he kept saying no, spitting vulgar aggresive abuse, and it's like. At least I tried to be a grown up about things, says it all when noone can inbox me, yet they can say things public... so yeah he got reblocked.
  Adding people on this new facebook one came up on someones feed that they were friends with me, so someone started commenting being a bully as always, never to my face either, so I seen it and commented to say stop, apparantly he inboxed the friend saying that he shouldn't add me I'm weird. So I commented on the post saying say it to my face, don't say it behind my back. Then another idiot who always pops ups on posts about me, also tried to start bullying me. So did another few people. The first guy tried to mention my videos. Now. Let me say this jn case any of you idiots are reading... he also bought some clips and cried he couldn't view them. Another of these friend posts also popped up on someone else, I inboxed this girl asking who she was, as she was blocked and shit, she was like 'ive not said anything blah blah' but i know that wasn't true. But she was acting innocent YET on this post, being a bully. Again!

  Okay.
  While I am here I will point out that some of this area has bought me gifts, sent money, and bought clips. Didn't think that did ya? I know who too. Well mostly. So that is why I am open about what I do. People who you didn't expect to buy, actually have!
  So. I always get told I should not bite etc, but the thing is the bullies need to named and shamed. But because I am that much of an awful place full of way too many cunts, they all get involved. They all bully. There are he odd few who stick up for me, show me, and thankyou guys for that. At least some of them can be decent. But. No. Most are not. I mean, cmon. What have I ever done wrong? Nothing. They can't face the fact I'm taking money off mommy and daddy, or that I'm on the dole, that I don't open my legs for anyone, I'm not a drug queen... you know... like most of these bullies actually are. And no. No digs here. I speak nothing but the truth.
  People always tell me.. 'go to the police' and I really want too... but none of my 'friends' will actually have the decency to take time out to come with and support me. Which brings me back to the old posts that I really do not have any goddamn fucker in my life. Fuck you all.
  I am writing this post because I am fed up of you bullies. I don't deserve it. What because I am not ashamed? I make money my way? I have a decent body and not afraid to show it off?! No need. It legit is just jealousy. And actually quite a lot of you have come in to were I work and actually said this to me. But as always online it's a different story to act like bullies becaus eyou have your insecurities. We all know that is the real fucking reason.
  So leave me, you are all the childish ones. In fact, I messaged this girl about the bag too apologising when really it was her who should have, and she ignored me. How wrong is that?! Ugh! At least yet again I tried to be the grown up, actually took time out to try and sort things.

  I hope some of you read this, realise just how nasty you all are. Anyone who says it isn't bullying, is more than likely one of the bullies. Like I said. Leave me alone. I do what i do, don't interfere with your lives. So don't with mine.

Saturday, 28 January 2017

Legit Cursed. Jumbled Mind.

  I think I'm really cursed you know. Especially when it comes to males. I aint even fucking joking. It's a joke. Well not a joke. You know what I mean. I mean I'm at work right now.. but technically I'm still experiencing a goddamn breakdown. Writing this in buts when I get chance and noone wants to be served. You can tell Wigan is dying. Being off King Street on and off since I was 18... back then Thursday to Sunday everywhere was opened and packed every night. Now most places only open Friday and Saturday... I blame the fact that Wigan is full of absolute cunts.
  As always my head is a jumbled mess. Too much going on in my mind. And I fucking hate everyone. Corny as it sounds... my heart is literally a constant ache. Being alone, loneliness, constantly experiencing both is a constant headfuck. My kitties help. Mostly. But I miss an actual conversation... one that isn't with myself or in meows... Crazy.
  Anyway, yeah, what is it with males? Around here (Wigan) when it comes to more or less than friends.. they turn into such cunts. Telling them I'm not interested turns into barrels of abuse calling me all sorts. And trying to date? Fuck me. After one thing... fuck off when they get it, fuck off when they don't. Eve if you make them wait a month or two!
  Every time I talk to someone new, it always fucks up. There is always others. There is always lying about the other girls, when I ask for honesty. Because I know I have to share if I even want anyone. It has always been that way. Even with my exes! It's just what happens with me. Unfair, yes. Used to it, yes. But seriously seems how it has to be if I am ever gonna get anyone. I have to share. Fuck life. Yeah. Seriously. Fuck life!
  Thinking about my exes, one ex used talk to an ex best mate of mine 24/7, more than me, and we lived together! He even still does it to this day, sly fuckers everyone. Any wonder why I have pure hatred for everyone? Any wonder why I do not trust any retarded fuck prick in Wigan.
  As you can see my sadness is slowly turning to anger. Wouldn't want anyone to piss me off tonight. I don't take shit as it is. Would be fun hahaaaa.
  My mood always swings from sadness to anger to being numb. It's fun when I'm numb. I want to be that way forever. Being ignored doesn't bother because I'd do it my fucking myself!
  I am just a lost woman me. Nearly 24 and just do not want to even be here no more. My cats are literally only thing keeping me alive. My little cute futbabies. Pure love.
  I don't know why I'm so cursed. I haven't done anything too bad. I legit must of been a murderer in my past life. Fuck um! Gonna end up turning into ine in this life... don't worry. I'm joking. Don't think I could even though I do have such a pure hatred.
  I should just go get lost in the forrest or some shit and die there. That's how lost I fucking feel. And having noone makes it so much worse... but at the same time I'm used to it. Sadness. Anger. Hatred. Numbness. Always going through them. I don't even get why a male won't see me longer than I second. I have already said it's cool about sharing. It's expected. Guys CAN NOT have one fucking female. I have witnessed many cheats. Even those that look happy and like they aint cheated. Guarantee they have. I know alot about people. I watch, listen, observe.
  When people say I don't deserve money because I do what I do and aint arsed, proud of my body, and fucking honest. You're just a sheep, and more than a lyer. Don't need that shit in my life thankyou very much.

  Ugh. Again. Fuck life.

  On an ish positive note. I'm happy with the fact I have been able to work out for a couple week. And started on Protein Powder... which seems to have helped my body I little. Still always tired. Still in constant pain but you know I'm managing. I just want to lose weight. Haaa. Though I never lose my curves haha.

  I'm stressed and annoyed right now! Got some fucker even right now trying to gjve me abuse because I asked him why he was tagging people in my shit, and he starts giving me abuse. Funny though when he was crying about being ignored and begging for me to meet him. Wrong uns in Wigan. Really any wonder why I don't bother with anyone? Little fucktards. This place needs to be nuked. Only me and a few others should live haaaa. Horrible, horrible, horrible!
  Hopefully I'm numb yet again soon. I want to be that way forever hahaha. It's cold as well I just wanna go to sleeeeppp.
  In an ideal world, I wouldn't have to share. I'd be someones only. Mad attraction. Regular sex. Be able to confide in them. Etc etc etc. You get the gist.

I'm just a lonely jumbled up girl who likes tattoos, money, cats, penguins, Kanye West, Kid Cudi, Vic Mensa, One Direction, a bunch of TV shows, films, books and a few other shit. And also very lonely and alone. But fuck it. I need noone. I'm strong. I'll be okay. I'll be okay...

Sunday, 22 January 2017

My ex broke me.

  Now for those reading this. I have only ever had two boyfriends really. All the rest were pointless shitty flings because males don't know how to just have one woman, and not pine after other women ether. But tbh my discoveries saw that my exes looked elsewhere anyway. Sexting is cheating. Cheating is cheating. Looking and wanting and messaging is disrespcetful.
  My ex broke me. My first ex anyway mainly. I was so madly in love, and part of me still is, part of me atill cries, part of me still wants, even though I know it was toxic and he never loved me back. He really didn't. If you want to know fully how this guy treated me then read a blog post on here called 'The Truth'. You'll understand more why it was so fucking toxic. God.
  I don't know why I have never gotten over him. I just haven't. Like I said the relationship was real toxic, but at the same time I was deeply in love. He may of hadn't loved me back, he may of been an asshole 90% of the time. But we had little moments. And I think it's those moments I want.
  I don't even think I know what it is like to be in a true relationship where both sides are deeply in love, so passionate for one another. My second relationship got comfortable too quickly and I think that is why regarding that one. I loved that guy too, don'r get me wrong. But I was scared to give it my all even though it lasted longer... like I said. The first guy utterly broke me.
  I'm crying when I write thise you know. Loneliness sucks and I just wish I could have someone again, but I know that will never happen. I'm too broken. Been messed around too much. I can't rrust. I get proven right every time I try you know. Like why can't I have love? Why is it so against me life to give me nothing but bad luck and to be so unloved and messed around huh? People are way worse than me and they get everything handed to them!
  I think another thing to get over was the emotional abuse from my first ex, I think I got away at the right time, before it got to being physical... but the damage had been done. Emotional abuse was just as bad. Being made to feel so worthless by the person you love was not a fun game in the slightest. My thoughts always return to the last few weeks of being with him, being on holiday with him. Having him tell me I was looking at other guys because i had on sunglasses. Being called boring coz I didn't like to drink, being made to drink a few times, being left to go and get pissed, having me wait in a hospital bed for him why he was on a drip ill, yet when I was ill I got left in the hotel room alone. Him leaving me to go on Facebook to message other girls. What a dreadful holiday. I'm trying to make it my very mission to get another holiday asap, to try and make a better holiday memory. Hmm. We'll see. I can't seem to forget. Ever.
  Getting home from that holiday, and just getting to the brakingn point so I had to leave. And I finally got the balls to leave him. But I saw him after we split. I wanted to get back together, he didn't but he just played along so he could use me for sex, yet he already was seeing the bitch he was talking too behind my goddamn back. Yep. He got with her 2 weeks after we split. While I cried for months, he was happy, and he still is happy, while I still am broken by him. How unfair is life really gonna be for me?!
  I opened up wounds you know. About just over a year ago. I went and met him. He has become single. He is still the same person. He never changed. Probably never will. Comtrolling, etc. All I did was look at my phone once and he was like quizzing me. And I got mini hurt because he actually still remembered things about me. Like what I'd drink.
  Not getting over my first love has broken me 100%. I can't be fixed. Because I can't be loved. I can't have a relationship. Noone understands how hard it is to dwell in loneliness. Be alone. Be hurting. All the time, forever. Facing facts that I'll never find anyone sucks. Happiness just doesn't seem possible for me. True happiness.
  I doubt this ex reads this blog to be honest. He doesn't think of me. I know that. I jsut wish I wasn't broken anymore, I'm fed up of crying. Fed up of hurting. Fed up of life.
  This blog actually had to be written because I am listening to WZRD (Kid Cudi). But like this was 'our album'. I dunno.
  I kinda got broken off my second love too, mind. But it wasn't so deep, because I obvioulsy still had part of my guard up, and tbh. It is now all the way up. I push people away, and they leave, and hat's for the best. If they can't withstand the pushing than you aint worth it... but at the same time. I still get a tiny bit hurt.
  Everytime I have a little bit of hope of meeting someone new, but they are the exact same as every male. It's like can a male not be a man anymore? Are they just legit all boys? Because it fucking seems it. Good as mates though, so male mates, try not to get offended. I love ya really haha.
  As I always say. There are only two things that give me a tiny bit of happiness, which is money and cats. Yep I seem to have turned superficial... but hey. I don't care you know! Cats, everyone knows I'm a sly cat lady, I have 5 kitties. And I want another kitten so I can raise from a baby again and have something to keep myself occupied, you know since i have noone who wants to help me and get me out the fucking house. Money? Yeah that makes me happy too! But you can tell it's January. The Findom world is full of timewasting idiots who expect shit for free, and clips sales are also slow! No, before you ask am I ashamed like many of you have... no I'm not ashamed. I can't work. I don't want to rely on the Government till I get worse with my illness, not just mild... you know when I need it more?! So yeah, not ashamed. Just wish I made more in Findom, but there are too many timewasters honestly. Gonna be skint till March it seems, but it's a good fucking job I know how to live on nothing. I lived on £60/70 a week (where I still have to pay my mum, pay for the cats, and pay for my own food, so absolutely nothing to spend on myself), so yeah I know how to live on nothing. But I prefer not too... hopefully you Financial Domination suckers stop being timewasters, and my clips bloody get bought again, £100 a day you know!!

  Anyway back to the subject of being a broken little mess, I'm feeling a tiny bit better blogging, whihch is why I started to blog in the first place! I'll be heading to bed once I've done this blog. Hopefully sleep also helps... but I hate waking up. I have no purpose in life, no reason to wake, and it's a sucky feeling. Getting to sleep consumed with dark thoughts. Waking and just thinking 'I never want to wake, I see no point'. I'm fighting my own head, it's a battlefield. And I feel at a loss. I'm a heartbroken mess, honest.
  Part of me wishes I never met my first ex,in fact any male. You've all contributed a little to make me feel so shit you know. Being little fuckboys. And no, I haven't always gone for muscle men, so no you can not blame that :)! I miss my ex. I hate him. I still pine for me. I don't miss him. It's all so confusing. He definately full on broke me. Which lead to my second relationship also breaking me. And just being a hot mess and being fucked around ever since!
  It's an even more sucky feeling I have no person genuinely there for me. People say they are... but where the fuck are you messages out the blue asking am I okay? Nowhere unless you fuckers want something, or I message first.
  See what bullshit I have to put with? How much bad luck I have?! Noone cares. I see that. So I'm fighting this battle by myself. But I tell you now. If my life is still riddled with bad luck by end of thise year? Then it's goodbye me. I won't be missed. Fake bitches be acting like they do when they've been two faced spineless cunts. I'll come back and haunt your fake asses for your pretence!
  My life leads no purpose so I don't care. I wake. I read, watch things, talk to myself and sleep again. Because I can't fucking work coz of this disgusting illness. I wish the doctors would fucking start looking into it. But na. I just get left with no fighting chance. So it's another battle I lose. Being in these four walls drives me crazy. I want to work again but I can't. And it sucks. If I could work I'd just work all the time. I don't have a social life so why the fuck not!
  I hate life. I have no luck. No matter how much I try. And yes I have tried but I always end up bck to quare fucking one. Fuck you life. Horrible thing.
  Anotther thing is my sex drive you know that's annoying. I never had one. Ever. But these past few months its crazy... what the fuck am I meant to do? It hurts sometimes you know actually being turned on 24/7, I'm not even joking. And because I'm not a slag, and guys are fuckboys and fuck and chuck and don't do it regular... I just have to be actual horny all the time. I'm not joking. I just got good ignoring it. But sometimes it makes me physically hurt... surely can't be normal. But I cam't be fucked. Wish you boys knew how to be man. And knew how to handle women! Haha.
  Yeah, well I should sleep. Honestly. But thankyou dear people, especially my first ex to making me a broken mess. I want love, hut it seems I'm unworthy. So animals and money it is for another few months.

Sorry for being a heartbroken, broken utter utter mess. Thanks for reading. If you do, it's my longest post yet. Jeez. Essay and half. But I feel a little better.