Saturday, 21 October 2017

Lack of Sleep, Emotional...

  My god. I’ve barely slept. I can’t seem to sleep. I’m emotional. My head is fucked and fuck me, that guy just made me feel like utter shit. I dunno. Did I mention him? The kne who I spoke too for ages but he won’t be with me?! Blah. Always saying he ‘never wants a relationship again’. Yet turned around just today snd say’s ‘I just don’r want one right now, i’ve always said that’. But fuck me. No you haven’t. Never. Ever. I hate the male population. Makes me feel so fucking low.
  I don’t know me. Like. What is a decent male. I mean okay as mates. But honestly. That’s it. They’re just headfucks otherwise. Call you slag because you won’t fuck them. Fuck you around if you like them. Seriously, can I make a synth please to make the perfect guy who makes me feel great?! Hahaha. Headfucks.
  I should really be asleep me. But I can’t seem to sleep. Why. I don’t fucking know. I’m sad. I’m fed up. I’m stressed. I’m in pain. I’m just blah... why do I not deserve no happiness? Just bullshit all the time and if it carries on I don’t see myself being here. I mean what is the point? Like really?! I have no point. Life makes it impossible for to enjoy the things I do. Allergic to cats when I have 7, less money, sales etc when I get removed off Facebook etc... cheers life. Love you too. Read my posts? Please don’t tell me to ‘think positive’. I try. I try so hard. I hope, I pray, and I think ‘oh maybe I’ll get something good for once’... and then fuck me. It just doesn’t happen for me, ever. Breaks my heart. I’m fed up. I just want to be okay.
 If you have me on twitter you would have seen the recent drama, and since I can’t sleep right now ama explain. As best I can. Without exposing too much kinda. Basically, that ‘Goddess Evie’. I have known her years, we went the same school, I never spoke to her then, but after school we became friends. We’d occasionally hang out etc. She used to be a great friend. And then, she started being shitty, couldn’t decide on guys, used stand me up for mate dates, used to ignore the shit out of me. And it drove me to the point of just saying you know what fuck off because I just cba. About 2 years ago, maybe one, not too sure, my illness makes my memory shitty, but yeah, she slated me on facebook, on her ‘Vanilla’ Facebook. Saying about what I do and I’m a slag for it etc, horrible person, just because I said I couldn’r be bothered with her fake friendness anymore. So to my shock, 2/3 months later someone messages me and tells me she has copied me. Imagine the shock! Slating then copying. Ha! Bellend. So I outed her on her ‘vanilla facebook’ which led me getting removed for the first time proper. She sent her boyfriend to my house too to have a go. Which quickly brings me to point out she has had a boyfriend till recently, of about five years, and she still lives with him kore than likely... she has nowhere else to go. So she lies about being single. And having ‘girlfriends’. They clearly got fed up of her shit too. She just has her kid sisters (get to that soon). Oh and since she sent her fella... and been mine loads... it’s obvious she knows where I live. So her putting on Twitter ‘tell her send me her address’. She’s talking shit. Another keyboard warrior. Full of them in Wigan and Leigh. I get so many. It’s fucking laughable. Never say it to my face. Just online. So yeah, back to subject... after outing her and then the post being removed I just blocked and ignored her. Horrible fake person. It is annoying how she does better, she doesn’t deserve it. She’s a cheat... she cheated on her exes, I have been witness to it a few times. And my ex told me after I split with him, she fucking asked him out, she would have still been with this goddamn ex too... so yeah. Another reason not to be her mate. I hate cheats. Both my exes cheated. It’s horrible. We kind of made up a few months ago because she came where i work in the town centre, we both apologised kinda thing because like bigger people and all that. But then I find out she blocked me on Twitter again... dunno why like. Wasn’t arsed. Still not. But then I see that she is advertising a new Domme. Having a nosey... it’s her little sister. Who is 16 or 17. How do I know? She was friends with my sister and obvs I was mates with ‘Evie’ so of course I fucking knew ha. I don’t agree with it. She’s underage. I’ve heard from around here that they’re doing drugs, and then obviously she’s getting her kid sister in around town. But that’s easy in Leigh, because all the kids go there. Look it up... it’s known for condtantly getting in shit and shut down for underage kids getting. Fucking disgusting place. Why I don’t go no more. I do not wanna hang with kids no more hahaha.  So yeah. When i saw her trying to get her sister into findom, then yeah I outed her. Because it’s wrong. I mean, she tried with her other sister too... but she had turned 18. That was okay. But yeah underage one.. isn’t at all. Then, she had the audacith to say me a liar etc... if I was liar then get her to verify. Get her post her fucking ID up. Oh wait. You fucking can’t. And any fucker who believe her you’re a fucking idiot. She lies. Always fucking lies. Her tweet with a strap on... she doesn’t do real time. I’ve had people tell me they arranged it then she ignroed them when it came to the day and time... like wtf. If you don’t do real time don’t pretend too. Why the fuck you got a strap on for hahaha. FAKE. LIES. That’s why. And posts like ‘my girlfriends’. She has nobody, lying about that too. Least I don’t. And obviously lying about when she was in a five year relationship living with him and still living with himmbecause nowhere to go... yeah.
  Anyhow. End of her. Let her continue those lies. I’m done with her. I will never try to be her friend again. I’ve tried many times. But she is a fake person and fake friend, and I don’r mentally need that hullshit. I have enough shit going on in my head without readding a person who continually used to fuck me over!
  My allergies, my illness, can someone take them away?! Fuck me. They’re so brutal lately. Like I was in tears last night after work because I was on the big bar... my body is aching so much more. It’s shit that I can’t do a fucking thing without suffering. Not even going for a piss! Ha. Allergies to cats when you have seven too... can imagine how bad that can bloody be can’t you?! Eyes are stinging!
  I’m stressed now too, getting a little closer to my birthday, as always people trying drop out leaving me with having to look for others, like ffs don’t say you’re gonna come if you’re not.,, if you are reading this, and you’ll come, and pay. Message me... being serious, need to be sure I have minum 10’people, because well I love Newcastle so much. It’s the one thing I look forward too every year my birthday. I mean i don’t get presents anymore. Like, people ask me ‘what you getting for xmas’ , ‘what you getting for your bday’. Answer? Nothing. I’m 24. Nearly 25. I haven’t got nothing since I was 16. I’m too old.
  Also stressed about money as always. No clips sales etc, the findommside as always is shit with timewasters and stuff... ballache. Can you all up your game so I can stop stressing? I mean, I’m eating plain pasta for food as I can’t really afford to ffed myself. WHich is okay as I would rather starve then starve the cats. But sometimes I miss food! Ha. Up the shit. Money. Sales. Gifts. Make me happy. Make me stress free!!
  How good are One Direction?! Even thiugh they’ve solit. They’re still great. SOlo stuff. I’ve got every single one! Love the little beauts. I say this because I’m lay here with Niall’s album thats just come out. Bloody brilliant. Kind of bad of Liam though... brought his single out the same dsy’ which was a bloody bigger hit... yeah. They’re no getting back together. ANd if they do? Only in 20’years. Gutted.
  Random thoughts... are vampires real? I want them to be. And I want to bloody be one. How awesome would it be. Nobody would mess with me then. Crush them, drain them. Humans are horrjble. The world has honestly fucked up it ha. No lie. Never lie.
  Anyhow. I have no idea why I’m awake, or how. But I should sleep so I can actually work tonight. SInce I am getting worse and starting to struggle to work! Ha. Let’s hope this family of mine get quirt so I can!

  Thanks for reading... if you did ;)!

Tuesday, 17 October 2017

Mind won't let me sleep...

  I'm pissed off, like honestly. My head is fucked... Again. Like, why me? Why do I only get shit after shit, it won't get better, I thought it would, tried to believe others... but it just doesn't happen, no lie, it just does not fucking happen for me. Honestly do think I'm cursed, or something about a past life, or both, I just don't know. I aint no bad person, I try to be nice,even alot of the time after I've been hurt... but still, just does not fucking happen for me.
  It's like 12.30am, and I seem to be wide awake, which is another thing pissing me off, my illness is worse, so now my insomnia is too! Like legit been sleeping for two hours, awake for two, etc, etc till now... my illness drained me. And on top of that my allergies are worse too... and do you know  what I'm fucking allergic too?! Fucking cats, and I have 7... and life is gonna get better, honestly! Yet it's trying to take the ONLY thing that puts a smile on my fucking face... well, minus money, but missing that too... hold on though I'll get to that soon.
  People who have read my blog, sorry for being a downer, but fuck me, I try to live, I try to be okay, happy even and it fucks up every fucking second of the day. Something bad happens. My head is so fucked up. If you've not read my blog before now, start at the beginning... read them all, maybe you can understand me more than I understand myself...
  I'm sat here typing. I really want to sleep, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I don't want a repeat falling asleep all goddamn day ballache ey! My kitten Cudi is attacking my hands, adorable little shit he is. And yeah, he's named after Kid Cudi, if I have any more, next is Kanye! ha.
  Guys, guys, guys, why are you complete utter headfucks? Now I'm gonna pour my heart out here, normally keep my shit to myself dating wise, but I can't anymore. I need someone to talk too, but we all know I have no fucker to talk too, hence this blog, hence this fucking motherfucking blog. (I'm angry, can't you tell?! Potty mouth out hahaha!). So, yeah, basically been talking to someone for about 9 months now, didn't meet for like the first 6 but now we do every week (or try), but guess what? HE REFUSES TO BE WITH ME. Thinking ama hurt him... when it's me who gets hurt. But let's be serious, he's male, he wants hi cake, and extras, and that's totally what's happening. He texts plenty of other chicks... even when I'm fucking there! Like thinks I don't see him do it... I FUCKING DO PAL! You utter headfuck! Yet, whenever I mention a guy, he don't let it drop, constantly going on about him, and it's like... HOLD THE FUCK UP... YOU DON'T WANT ME!!! I know I should walk away, I want too, but it's fucking hard, I literally have nobody. No family, no real mates who give a shit if I'm alive or dead. He's good company, good in bed, just an utter headfuck... but oh well. I mean I am one too, to myself though... hahaha.
  Which brings me to this, why can't I fully get over my past loves? I'm constantly thinking of them both, they both can't stand me, both in love (I think), Both happy, both forgot me... and I'm here nearly 25, lost, alone, lonely, broken, headfucked... it's just so unfair. I want love, I want happiness, but everything is against me, I have nothing, nobody, noone to fight for, nothing to fight for... typing this blog crying my eyes out... life eh, hates me... have I said yet here... that's my fucking motto you know now 'life hates me'. Because it does.
  It makes me think I have to be horrible, a cheat, a sleaxe to find happiness and love, because those types are exactly the types who have that shit, how unfair (I repeat hahaha)!.
  My illness... my shitty illness... I try to live, get out, and I crash, bad... I just wanna live, work, travel, be normal, but yeah, life against me and all that. Why can't I have something good for once? I have NEVER had anything good. I fucking deserve it, after all this bullshit I've been through, some I can't bring myself to blog about yet... but I am getting there, the loneliness etc is eating me up, and this is my only way to let it the fuck out... Like I said, today has been so bad, asleep, awake, asleep, repeat... till now and the insomnia re-hits again, and its back in force, fuck you CFS/ME. You cunt. Can someone find a goddamn cure?!
  Time to vent about my other thing that currently is one of two to make me happy (cats 1st!), money... Yeah as always, I am still superficial, I wish I wasn't but when you grow up poor and stuff, and you get a little of taste of more... yeah, it makes me not want to go back to poor.. but since I can't work, I'm getting back there again. We all know I sell clips, I am a Findomme, well, I also joined Xtremeplaypen too... Trying to find more and more ways to earn. Since Facebook removed me it's been less and less money being made online, and it's fucking stressful since I can't really work more than two nights a week... and even then I have started to struggle with those nights, and I hate it, because I don't want to leave... but what if I have too?! I know from speaking to others it's hard to get disability with this shit illness... especially because I'm young. Yet they pay little bums who CAN WORK or chicks who pop out kids so they don't have to fucking work?! I say cut all wombs out after two babies, limit the children, get the fucking over populated Earth sorted out! I am a heartless cunt... I don't even want kids. I'm content with a lot of cats instead. Kids are annoying, and even more so these days, and the way the people are these days... constant bombings and massacres... what's the point anyway?! Anyhow... money is tight without Facebook, I mean I advertise advertise advertise on Twitter, Instagram and any other sites I can... but yeah, it's so hard. Not making alot. But I am putting money aside for the only thing I can just about manage... tattoos... once my leg is done I can save or whatever, but I dunno what for. I wanted to travel, but that is not gonna happen with the way my illness is lately, not unless I find someone to come with, but that won't bloody happen.
  Which brings me to the point... I really feel I have no friends.. I know I have no family, just my mum and sisters, but that is okay. It's the friends part, and the no guy and constantly being fucked around that gets me down... Like what is it gonna take to have a fucking mate who will do something non-alcohol related, and not expect me to pay?! I mean, I used to bribe people  to do things with my money... but because of the recent money problems, I can't do that no more, but... I still end up doing that, and then it's like fuck sake Abby, you needed that money! It;s such a lonely and alone world mine, which is why I have so many cats and want more.... but these allergies, if they continue getting worse, I just don't know... but if I'm honest I think I'd die for those kitties... I mean they are all I have. Literally, all I fucking have...
  What's a life when you sit here day in, day out fantasising on death, but too scared to die, but too scared to be forgotten... even though everyone leaves anyway and forgets you anyway. Like. I honestly just want to be numb, I hope when I up my pills again, they do that... being numb is easier, I just don't give a shit about anyone, like they don't with me, I don't care about being let down, I'm just numb, and I'm okay...

  God, it.s nearly 1am now, and I think I'm done venting for right now, not gonna go back sleep just yet... think ama take some cocodomol though, fucking heaven sent that stuff for my pain, but can't take anymore for a few days... why do they gotta be accidentally addictive?! Dunno what ama do for now, just waiting on a clip to upload on iwantclips then I'll take them and hopefully sleep... should set my alarm too ffs.. hopefully docs agree to up my dosage... it is needed right now!
  Be kind... buy clips, etc, onlyfans, iwantclips & xtremeplaypen... if you;re into findom, my details are everywhere, and if you wanna put a smile on my face and gift me,... totally find my wishlist! Alot is on there. Nobody been buying! :(.

  And yes... I advertise here too... got too! Thanks for reading, be sure to read past posts too... complicated headfucked mind of mine...
Goodnight. xxx

Saturday, 7 October 2017

Update, update, update.

  So yeah. I haven’t posted in a while. Thought it was only fair if I updated ya’ll again, you know since having no Facebook and I still get people asking about me and being without the bloody site. I have tried to join, and failed. If I’m honest though, mentally it is better for me. No more spying on potential guys finding out how sleazy they are... besides I find that out anyway. I don’t need Facebook. I don’t trust anyone! Ha. Fuck them. Single for life this one and i am really accepting it. All hope is going. I see no point. Honestly. Fuck guys. Just mates, and my cats and my mum. That’s enough. Yeah!
  I’m still headfucked. That seems to be inevitable!! Haha. I changed my pills, that has got to be the best thing ever. My last one helped the pain... BUT they made me put on weight. My depression was bad. These new ones? I already lost some weight, and my depression is hell of a lot better! So thank fuck for that. Alot of people hate being on pills because it makes them numb... but I love them. I love being numb. It’s amazing. Like seriously.
  What else? Hm. Illness is still steadily getting worse. This morning when I got in bed after work was pretty rough, the pain was really fucking bad, I can’t fully describe it! It’s numbed it a little. But not totally. I need sleep right now. Had maybe two hours but my mind won’t turn off. So some shows and sleep when i’m ready too again? I think so! I’m in way more pain. I’m more tired. More symptoms... like a constant headache I keep having atm. Blah. Why no relief for me?!
  It was a tough few weeks changing pills. I had withdrawal from the old ones. The new ones make you unable to eat for a bit... literally didn’t go with my illness. Crashed so bad. Literally would wake for an hour. Sleep for two. Then have a full night on top of that! Hahaha. But I feel better. I feel good. And even my sex drive is back. (Not like I need that since it’s fucking high asf, I should be a man I swear!).
  The Findom and Clips side as always is a little shitty without Facebook. I would love Facebook back just for that fucking reason. We all need money. And I can’t work more. It sucks. It needs to pick the hell back up! 100%! Sort it out guysssss haha. You’ll love my clips. And I deserve to be spoiled really ;)! I’m strugglig moneywise a little coz I want my leg finished by my birthday. Once that’s done. Yey. Can just keep money aside for fuck knows what yet... think I want a nose job tbh with you!
  What else is there to update on? I don’t even think anymore. I can’t hahaha. Numb remember?

Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, 30 August 2017

Life Update... Still a complicated mind.

  There is some kind of saying somewhere that says' there is another person to be the other half of a broken person', something like that anyway... but like... how do you even fix a broken person who is meant to be lonely and alone forever? I actually don't have a clue. I'm still such a broken person. And I think I have been all my life. I mean I want love, real love, but these days? That doesn't exist, especially having someone to love you AND being faithful! I have loved, but never been loved, that is one true fact for me and mysef and my fucked up mind. The one thing I believe!
  Okay... life update? God. Nothing happens in my life does it. Just the usual bullshit... boring life doing nothing. Work weekends, using the week to recover, guys fucking my head up, having no real mates to make plans with, to talk too, literally talk to mysef. And my cats. When I had Facebook i'd talk to the fucking bots on there too! Fucking ballache isn't it. I mean. If I had a guy I wouldn't be fucked about no mates. And if I had real mates... I wouldn't be fucked about a guy. Shitty circle... in which I have neither. So this lonely and alone business consumes me, I cry all the fucking time. Not even shitting you.
  I have such a potty mouth me... to think when I was a kid I was scared to swear thinking God and all the adults in the street would strike me down with lightening... and now I swear a lot. My fave word is cunt, because every fucker hates it... and we all know I aint no fucking follower!
  People honestly think I'm talking shit and my illnesses aint real. I tell you now, yes they fucking are. IBS is the most embarassing, but honestly, it's so fucking common you wouldn't believe the amount of people have told me they have it too. Saying 'Irritable Bowel Syndrome' that's an awful name though. I always just say IBS. Another common one is the Depression, it happens, it's real, a lot of people have that too... people who don't have it do not understand. And that's okay, just don't try and belittle someone or bully them for having it... I mean... that shit isn't fair. You don't understand. Don't fucking comment. Keep that stupid mouth shut. Depression is not the person's fault... it gets to me so much, and I can't distract myself too much because of my fucking CFS limiting my shitty life. Which obviously brings me to my main and worst illness... where in fact both my IBS and Depression actually comes from, like, yeah bullshit. CFS stands for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, BUT also stands for ME which stands for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis... so yeah before you ask... CFS and ME is the same thing. Now, this is another thing that annoys me, because this illness has barely any fucking awareness (go to a hospital, docs, all the posters and leaflets are for other illnesses... never this). People seem to think it isn't real, even some doctors sit there and tell me 'you're lying'. Honestly, I always say this... but I honestly wish I was. To not be in pain 24/7, to not be tired, and the tiredness never goes and even if you sleep, it's still fucking shitty... headaches when I over do it. More pain when I over do it. Etc, etc... you should google this, there are honestly so many symptoms I would be here all fucking day about it. But yeah, it exists, it frustrates me, I do anything that isn't staying in bed, like go shop, I'm sweating before I even leave my house, so you can imagine how bad it can be when out and or working, it's fucking awful and embarrasing. Like why can't I be normal? It's frustrating. When I slur my words and they come out in the wrong order, fo example I try and say 'I gotta get a move on' and it could possibly comes out like 'move on gotta get'. Not even joking you. Maybe it's a good thing I have nobody, nobody to talk to etc, because then they do not have to face the embarassment of me and the bullshit I have to put up with. It would be nice to have people around me, hut I've accepted it won't happen, It's a selfish fucked up world. My memory is shocking too, not a joke, I forget so much, except like I don't ever forget what I want to forget, I just forget important stuff hahaha. Like the time I forgot my age...
  Now I talk about this every blog, well always everything I do. I mean. I kind of update on certain aspects of my shitty life. Fuck knows why. I aint sure anyone even reads this bullshit. When I had Facebook and I shared it there I had loads of hits... now, not so much... like my clips sales and my Findom related money making. For once? I'm kind of stuck with no money. It won't be for long but it's quite an annoyance. To think if I ever stopped this, or it continued being shit, just how shit my life would be even more... I wouldn't be able to cheer myself up with online gifts, or tattoos, or go out, even though I have to bribe people with money to go out... I defo won't be able to do that! Yeah... Findom... it's a hard thing to be into because there are so many Dommes, there have been so many timewasters and freeloaders. What are they? Just people who tease to pay and don't. My rule is payment first... even if it's a question. Sorry but it's how I roll in that world! I really hope it picks up again soon... I get jealous of the Dommes with like 80k followers or whatever, I only have 3k now on Twitter and 7k on Instagram, but Instagram is more Fitness... but yeah, without my Facebook it's been so hard. No paypigs, not many sales, it's like shit. Facebook... give me my fucking account back! I wish they would. I'm going crazy. Honestly. But anyway end of this paragraph. Below are my payment and clips etc info, just in case you feel like being nice! ;).

  Amazon GC;
  Paypal & Bank; message me and ask (clips) (like a Social Media you pay for, more explicit at times!).

  Okay. What next? Cats?! Hm, well every fucker knows about my love for cats, they're fucking cute. They're all healthy, and needy. Seven cute kitties! I'd have them all if I could... like, all the cats in the world haha. Except those bald onez, I'm sorry but they look nothing like a cat! Bloody hell. Get me some pet penguins too! Haha.
  I've had my whole life a ball of shit. I've never hd true mates who care, never had a boyfriend who actually gave a shit about me, in fact nobody has given a shit about me. And it fucking sucks. I wish it would turn over so people would... but life doesn't work like tht, for some reason it keeps giving me bullshit after bullshit. Always getting told it gets better... no thats stupidity to believe and hope because you get it for a second, then boom, bomb goes off lost everything and feel like shit. Like being 24, and I have nothing good going for me. I can't move out because J sometimes need help and I can't fucking work (which is very fucking boring), I have nothing to do at all. Everyone my age... they have about 10 kids by 6 different people, or they're fake in love... like, I know it isn't real but I still get jealous.
  I want to be happy, I want people in my life, and I want them to dtay, not leave like everyone in the past... but they still leave. And i'm still sat here lonely, alone, hating life, don't wanna live, basically because J have nobody and of course my depression... not a good fucking mix. But at the same time I'm used to it. Nothing ever changes, and nobody proves me wrong, nobody sticks around, utter fucking shit.
  I have gained weight. It's made me so paranoid and hating myself more. I was on Citalopram, learned myself not to be hungry much, I lost weight, down to 7 stone... then 8 months ago my pills are changed... to Amitriptilyn, or however you spell it... and I have put on weight. Forever hungry. Sat here writing this and my stomach growled... this will be fun when I take my pills before I got sleep, as I need them tonight. My pain is bad. Like tears bad. Honestly. Fucking CFS. Needs a cure. Needs some help. But fuck all! Okay.. back to subject, I started Raspberry Ketones again, I already have a fast heartbeat... can you imaging what it's like right now?! Of course, faster, feelin weird when it flutters every so often. But I'm just hope they work. I've took them before and they have... but my illness wasn't as bad as it is now, it's still mild but yeah... it's honestly getting worse day by fucking day. Oh forgot to say since it just happened... I go dizzy alot now too. Especially at work, just waiting for me to collapse or faint at work me.
  Okay... so you all know I'm a gamer (if not where the fuck you been?!). My fave game has always been Saints Row at the too... so can you imagine how fucking happy I am for Agents of Mayhem?! Pratically Saints Row 5! Even has Johnny Gat, and also Oleg and Pierce, but they have different names etc and are supposedly different people... but Saints Row fans fucking know the deal! I'm trying to take my time, but I know the end is near these games are always short... I mean the third I completed in about 3/4 days, and that took long because of my ex taking me off it. But the last one? Fucking me lasted me two days, not joking either. Short games, fast gamer. I love story based games. I like to get lost me... in books, shows, films, games, etc... well only those four. Probably why I game, watch stuff and read so fucking much. Well that and the fact I have no life to life, no mates, family, guys, and I can't work unless I wanna make my illness make me bed ridden... because I pratically am most days. I pre ordered Sims 4 for my xbox other day, I'm hoping it's more like the PC version, not the usual console bullshit, if it's not, i won't be playing. Oh well.

  Anyhow. Gonna take my leave. My arms are hurting quite bad from typing and it's making me feel sick. Need to take some pain pills (I always take so many)... but I need them... and then hopefully sleep, if my insomnia part fucking lets me that is.
  Keep following me, follow my social media, and if you're into Findom become a slave 😂


Tuesday, 22 August 2017

What happens next?

  The mind is complicated... but sure is the world. The one main thing that has kept me here is the big question 'what happens next? What happens after?' Is that just it then? You're gone and that's it? I'm a big believer in 'next lives, past lives'. But the part that gets me is you never remember the past life you had. I wish you did. So you already learnt some life help stuff etc. I dunno part of me just wants to remember. God knows why. My life sucks. And it always has! Full of cunts. Ha. But like. Does Supernatural exist? I sure as hell know ghosts do... but vampires, werewolves? Hmm. I dunno. I wish they did and I'd love to be a vampire. I think I'd make a great one too tbh.
  Most people don't deserve to remember and go on though tbh, but they're the ones who always get the good stuff and the happiness happen to them. Totally fucking unfair.
  What do you truly believe in? What do you think happens? Curious on other people's views.

  There is something else that I have to write too. I miss so many relationships and so many people from the past. Of course. I'm forgotten by them... but the world hates me and it so that I have fucked up head that fucks me up, makes me overthink, all Sorts. I'm gonna sort of list the people I miss, I don't know why, but for some reason I have too;
KA, KS, BB, RG, MH, SDA, EL, BP, JL, JH, JH, JW, JON, Z, DG, SC, LH, CC, CC, CB... there are more. But I can't really think right now. I have another headache. Which keep happening. Super annoying, honestly. Just another way my illness is getting worse! Blah. Oh, I don't know why I miss the people, i just do. Even though most are arses. In fact. They all are. They all left too, but then everyone leaves in the end!

  Letting people in, it's something I can no longer do, I've done it too much, I've been hurt way too much, and everyone I do start to lower my guard for? They fuck me up too. So tell me... why should I give anyone a chance? Everyone's just a cunt. I swear down.
  I've started wearing crystals, yeah I'm a believer in that shit. The ones I don't ever take off are the necklaces, three charms, ones for love, ones to 'let go' and the third to remove energy blocks ha. Obviously the first two are what I need the most. But I have my bracelets too... but I have about 20
That I wear!! I dunno. Just a little hoping on my part, but I don't know shit anymore. I can't control life and it sucks to be honest.

  No money problems atm, a few sales here and there, but the findom? Just timewasters again. Cats? Got 7 beautiful babies who are healthy and loving. Mood? Head? Kinda mellow now. But I do have my Moments. Still. And I hate those moments. Like empty, mindless head fucked moments where I'm so alone and lonely and it hurts. Guys? What guys? Mates? What mates? Family? What family? All this is just an update I guess since I don't have Facebook no more! Ey my right leg is progressing though, can't wait for it to be done completely! Get me those clips sales (iwantclips & search Abbyy36) orrrr sign up to my onlyfans... Oh and if you're a findom loser, just buy off my wishlist, send me money, you know the usual. Oh. My CFS is still steadily declining. It sucks. But it is what it is. I just miss working out.

  Anyhow. I don't have anything else to say right now. Enjoy the read. Shorter than usual.

Tuesday, 15 August 2017

Head. is. Fucked!

  Honestly. Life. Fucking. Hates. Me.
I'm not even joking. Everyone always says 'stay positive, it'll get better' but I fucking try... and you know what? It just gets fucking worse. Every second. Every minute. Every fuckong day. Just utter fucking bullshit. Why me? What the actual fuck did I do do to deserve such misery and unhappiness?! It really is all the horrible and people who do something awful that end up with happiness, what have I gotta do? Seriously?! Do I have turn murderous to be happy? Because it fucking seems like it!
  I give people chances, guys, and what do they do? They just fuck me up and leave! It is true what they say though, love completely fucks you over. The guy I was seeing last, I shouldn't have gone there, an ex mates ex, stupidity at it's finest. Especially when I saw her fuck him up... so he got to fuck me up... and I just know he was an idiot and he's gone back to his ex. How do I know this? Because she's single herself. Utter fucking bullshit.
  I get I probably shouldn't have gone there but he was such an amazing guy... it's a fucking shame it took a cunt to fuck him up. It just isn't fair no more. Not to me. I hate living. I don't see the fucking point. I have no decent mates. I have a family that doesn't give a shit about me. And guys? They continue to fuck me up, fuck me over. And my head is just simply fucked up and I do not want to be here much longer...
  And you know what? I probably won't be. There is no point in my like. It just gets worse. So much hurt. So many issues. I've been drinking more. I shouldn't but I can't stop anymore. There is legit nothing better to do. Especially when people only wanna see me when it involves a night out. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck off.

  I genuinely just want to be gone.

  I'm not really eating no more. Sleeping more. Drinking more. My life is just a fucking waste. I would gladly give it to someone mire deserving... if they could cope with the shitty illnesses and fuck fuckery that I can't cope with.

  I cry daily. Just why me? Why do i have to have a shit life? Shit illnesses? Shit people? Never being good enough but forever bein played.

End it Abby. Pointless.

Monday, 7 August 2017

3.30am... I should blog to myself :').

  Hello you lot! Been a while. And as always, I feel like utter shit. Just another day over wih where I cry myself to sleep because of my loneliness having nobody and a shitty illness what is getting worse second by second, it's so hard work. I'm sat here, well lay, and fuck me my pain is brutal. I've even took ten different pills... but nope. Not worked. I'm trying to avoid cocodomol because I'll know I'll be addicted so need wait a couple days... but this pain, man it's fucking hard. Just thinking about taking every pill I have tbh... maybe that'll give me some release. It's super unfair.
  My head is so fucked you know. Guys just make me worse too they're forever lying to me, playing about, playing games. Just more and more proof I will never find snyone. I'm broken as it is... I don't need more boys to break me even more... I just wish it wasn't the case because honestly... I'm fed up of being hurt. I'm always getting hurt.
  If you follow me social media you'll see I've been going out a hell of a lot. Why? A few reasons tbh...first reason? I'm fed up of being on my own too much, always fucking alone, so I go out. I get left, but who the fuck cares, I'm out not at home, and drinking shots to forget... which I need to stop because that is contributing to me being worse... I mean, literally sleeping all day, more symptoms. But at the same time it's like so what... I won't be doing anything else but sitting in my room watching, reading and occasionally gaming. Talking to myself. Talkig to my cats. Another reason? I'm scared with my illness getting worse that soon I will be in a wheelchair or bed ridden... and I just don't know if I can even handle it. I really don't fucking know. A third reason... it numbs the pain, fuck me, does it. It makes me so happy to be pain free, but then of course when i come off the alcohol it hits me again and I'm back crying. I should just be an alcoholic, maybe it'd be the death of me...
  If you're my lovely stalker from the past two years reading this... please just get over yourself and leave me be. Stop making profiles in my name, and making profiles to try bully me. Everything is being kept evidence... and once that new catfish law comes, I'll be taking it to the police if you continue to happen. Just leave me be yeah?
  I'm happy that my cats are all okay, healthy. And my newest furbaby kitten called Cudi is absolutely heart melting. I love him so much already!! And I'm also happy that my saes for my clips and findom shit it is going good... I'm happy so I can finally get my reight leg done soon too. Hopefully go away at some point too... depends on my illness becausw I'll be going by myself.
  I know full well my fate is to be alone, lonely and single for the rest of my life, it's so fucking obvious... but fuck me... it hurts. Everyone leaves, everyone fucking leaves and I'm hurting so much. I seem to be a lucky charm for everyone me. They talk to me, they go on one meeting with me... then boom! Next week they're with someone who isn't me. Why am i not fucking good enough for these male cunts!! It's unfair. Life is unfair. People are unfair. And everyone wonders why I hate  life and every fucker. Because I haven't met a fucking decent person... that is why!
  I just want to want to live, rather than wake up and just want to walk out my house and jump off a fucking bridge because I'm head fucked and honestly going crazy with how much I constantly get hurt... i give chances to all sorts of types before people try blame me.. they just always lie and stuff.

  I never recovered from my exes emotional abuse. And tbh, I don't think I will because I am constantly still being hurt. So it's all the same fucking story. I'm fed up of being sad, suicidal, I hate I cry every day, mainly at night in bed. I'm broken. And I just wish guys weren't headfucks, cheats, users, players, becauee if they weren't? Life wouldn't be so bad...

...Nobody I want wants me anyway. And no. I won't settle. I'm a burden.